It’s a process.

I’m not here much. I sleep then GOTO work. On my days off, I’m not here. And even days like today, Erik came to Panera a half hour before my shift was over, so I hung out with him afterwards. I’m back from that and will sleep soon as I’m openning in the morning. Keeping busy, aye. I have a crush to keep me amused, but it’s little solstice in quiet minutes like now.

The voices got to me last night. I filled myself with the strength of people around me. Like last Friday when one of the managers (from another store who’s helping out), Rich, noticed I was looking a little frazzled. He told me to take a breath and relax. Heh. I don’t get paid enough to be stressed. Taking comfort in the feeling I get from Alex always works. I’d imagine she’d tell me it’s an ongoing process.

I fended off the voices, wrote briefly in my journal, and fell asleep fast. I don’t really hear voices, it should be clear that it’s a metaphor. That pressure we all feel to be better. That nagging voice that tells us that we’re not good enough.

I was telling Susan today how I’m able to completely dissolve myself of stress. Sometimes shit will just happen and you’ll feel like you’re going to crack. I said something about how I’ll just take a breath, tell myself that I’m not going to feel this way, and I instantly feel better. She’s pretty much just wondering how I do it. To explain how I’ve reached this point is not something I can summarize easily into work-conversation. This transition, that critical point, revolves around one thing I do not wish to share at work. I just told her that I’ve been through a lot of shit, and left it at that.

Considering how much older than me she is, I’d like to help her. Then again, I like helping people, period. I consider myself blessed to know the techniques I know, for how young I am. (Sometimes, I feel like I’m inventing my own english grammar. When in doubt, completely ignore the rules.)

The massive pressure to be perfect is flawed by the simple fact that we can’t be perfect.

“Don’t try to be a great man, just be a man.” – Zephrane Cochran, Star Trek VIII: First Contact

But yes, I’m openning tomorrow. Toodles.