Lower still.

Seems I have a long way to go before I hit rock bottom. I think of what rock bottom would actually be. Having nothing to eat. Starving. Alone, in a pile of shit. And the only contact you get is when you’re raped by a pack of wolves. Or something degrading like that.

Somehow, I can’t bring myself to pat myself on the back for not being that low. It’s like patting myself on the back for not being a Republican. Actually, that’s not entirely fair. Being a Republican is more like being alone on top of a mountain built of other people, and your only goal is to sit atop a bigger mountain. Oh, and you’re constantly shitting on the people below you.

Anyway.

I have this two page paper for Metaphysics due in the morning. I was feeling not as demotivated. As if I could .. do it? I was about to GOTO the library. I should have left. Instead, I thought, “You know, you don’t need to go. So, I made my first mistake by sitting on my bed and openning the book. One page later, I felt REALLY SLEEPY. This always happens when I read. Fastest way to put me to sleep is to put a book in front of me. My second mistake was taking an hour nap. Another one of those really nice naps that you don’t want to get up from.

I noted that I would probably be late for Computer Architecture at 6:10. (I was 20 minutes late.) Ate. None of the food appealed to me. Had a single slice of pizza. Classed. Lecture ended early, because.. he was done with all the material before the exam next week. After everybody vacated…

“I don’t understand assembly language.”

“That’s a problem.”

*smacks forehead* You know, I knew this would happen. I run scenarios enough that I knew saying anything would do no good. “Come to office hours.” How can I gently say that office hours scare the shit out of me? *sighs*

I’m wondering if I’ll fail all of my courses. I think it would be difficult to fail ALL of them. I have a high retention rate in Motivation and Emotion. I haven’t been doing any of the readings on Metaphysics. That’ll hurt me. I haven’t done ANY of the readings on Socialism and Communism. The exams are take-home exams. Which are going to kick my ass. *sighs* I know nothing. Computer Architecture, I might be able to squeak out if the rest of the material isn’t so anal-retentive. God damn, after the logic stuff, I don’t know anything. I don’t give a shit about the system stack.

I don’t feel like I’m smart enough to graduate. But, in the same breath, I could lament about how I’m smarter than most of the boneheads at this college. I just have zero work ethic. Who would hire me? I wouldn’t hire me. Nevermind that I have no idea what jobs are.

Speaking of jobs. I’m liking the idea of taking a year off. And it would help if I had a job over that period of time. Money. Plus, it would pass the time. I don’t want another semester of this bullshit. I won’t be able to survive. It feels so endless. And utterly pointless. So I walked into Career Services in the Busch Student Center. I handed the receptionist a huge question mark, and she gave me an appointment with somebody the Monday after Spring Break.

Funny how in all of this, academic advising has NEVER seriously crossed my mind. They scare me.

*sighs* Only I could be so stressed out when I’m doing nothing. I don’t need this pressure. I don’t need any of this. I want to not be here.