The Real Problem.

Lisa Electron has become my crutch, more or less. Some people use religion to get by in times of loneliness or peril. I use the internet! Lisa Electron is what lets me stay in my room so many hours of the day. She’s how I unwind, most days. She’s my mental stimulation. My entertainment. My creative outlet. My socialization provider.

In my mind, I imagine falling into a depression without a computer, due to simple loneliness. I use the affection of others to get by because I’m not self-sufficient. Like holding onto the one wire that will keep you alive, yet shocks you as you do it. I won’t bother trying any of those “Oh, I’ll give it up for such and such amount of time.” It never works. I’m far too weak. It sets in too soon. Being allowed to stir with my own thoughts for too long, without sharing them, tends to be poisoning to me.

There have been times when I’ve been able to take advantage of this as a form of motivation. “If you study for x amount of time, I’ll let you screw around online.” Never lasts more than a few days. Those academic moods never last long. I wish college had more structure, because I simply can’t create my own. As if there was a mandatory study hall at certain times. I’d externally loathe it, but internally enjoy being forced to do shit at certain times.

Moods change, getting angry at myself, or the work, or the world, can’t be a way to motivate myself. As I’ve said before, there is no solution. Sad.

Whatever.