I Am From New Jersey, Part I

You know that the only people who call it “Joisey” are from New York (usually The Bronx) or Texas. People who call it that piss me off. I call it Jersay.

You’ve had arguments over cheesesteak quality. I barely even know what a cheesesteak is.

Your neighbor’s house was foreclosed after an unlucky night in Atlantic City.

Your uncle is in the mafia.

You have Lyme Disease. No, but I remember the massive scares.

You don’t understand why there aren’t more 24-hour diners elsewhere in the country.

You know what a Wawa is, and know the location of at least 15 of them. What, a wawa pedal? I’m confused.

You have an EZ Pass, but you just hold it up. I’ve never driven on the turnpike or parkway, nor do I see why anybody would need to. They don’t go anywhere useful.

You know that you should get the hell out of Camden before dark.

You can name all the flavors of salt-water taffy.

You buy Shop-Rite brand food at Shop-Rite. Okay, maybe. But, not the spiral

You’ve had sex on the beach, and I’m not talking about the beverage.

Honesty, sincerity, and courtesy are things you once saw happen in Ohio.

You know that you don’t put ketchup on boardwalk fries.

You know how to successfully handle a traffic circle.

You get three 50’s in a row when you play skeeball.

You think the Olive Garden is a bunch of crap and should not open restaurants in any respectable Jersey town

You played soccer from Kindergarten through high school. I played it in 3rd grade. Does that count?

You always went to the Franklin Institute when you were a kid, but now that the Liberty Science Center is open, you have a new place to play.

Your middle school hangout was the mall.

You’re Italian. People assume I am.

You know where to get the best bagel.

You say water, talk, mall, and coffee CORRECTLY… wauder, tawk, maul, caufee I said those out loud. Strangely, I do say them like that

Even your high school cafeteria made good Italian subs. I never ate cafeteria food.

You’ve lived through hurricanes, nor’easters and fires, but have never seen a tornado, earthquake, tsunami or volcano.

You can’t believe MTV went to Seaside Heights.

You know that ACME is an actual store, not just a Warner Bros. creation. Yeah, and it’s so much better than ShopRite.

You never had school on Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur.

You only take day trips to New York City.

The mafia runs half the businesses in your town.

You have mandatory recycling. Enforced by law.

You go to at least one parade at the boardwalk each year.

You remember when TCNJ was Trenton State. Yeah, and “Trenton State” sounds SO MUCH BETTER.

You go to the local Fireman’s Fair in the summer.

You can go bowling at 1:30 A.M. (with automatic scoring!)

Route 206 doesn’t freak you out at night. Why should it? I drive on 206 at night all the time, when I have to take my friends home.

Because your town was founded before 1776, all the restaurants, taverns, and shops have “ye”, “olde”, and “colonial” in their names.

One time, a sea gull shit all over your head.

You’ve waited for the stupid drawbridge for more than ten minutes.

Your mom still loves Bruce Springsteen. There’s only one Bruce I love that lives in New Jersey, and it isn’t him.

You know it can be 70 degrees in January.

There’s a fruit and vegetable stand down the road.

“Anyone who makes bad pizza can go to hell” is your attitude. No excuse. Almost all the local pizzerias can make a decent pie.

You often use variations of the word “fuck” while driving.

You can fit “YO!” into a conversation at least five times.

You don’t take any shit from anybody.

You live within 45 minutes of at least three different malls. Only three? *laughs* HA!

You can see the New York City skyline from some part of your town. I’m not that close to that horrible place.

You know what CCM is and a good percentage of people from your high school go there. My sister went there and I have friends who go there. By the way, CCM = County College of Morris.

You’ve seen or been in a fight between a Rangers fan and a Devils fan.

You have or know someone with mafia connections

You know that the New York Jets should be called the New Jersey Jets. Same with the Giants. They play, practice, and pay their taxes in NEW JERSEY. Yet they are named after that shithole across the river? What the fuck?

You’ve been in a town or city where Spanish is spoken more than English.

You know where to get drugs in Paterson, Newark, or New York.

You liked the Jets even before this season. I never liked the Jets. Because I hate American football

You know where to get a freshly cooked Taylor Ham, Egg and Cheese sandwich at 2 a.m. Not offhand, but I’m sure I could figure it out.

You remember Action Park and may have been seriously injured there.

Z-100 used to be your favorite radio station, now it’s K-Rock. Z-100 was NEVER my favorite radio station. For me, it’s either 92.3 (K-Rock) or 105.5 (New Jersey’s OWN rock radio, W-DHA)

Anything less than six inches of snow ain’t shit. What’s worse is when it snows, then rains, and then FREEZES. Slush is evil. Or when it rains on your side of town, but the other side of town gets a ton of snow. It’s happened.

Someone cut you off on the road and you told them to go fuck themself.

Regardless of religion, you’ve been called a JAP, probably by someone who has no idea of the meaning.

You’re more comfortable in 4-inch heels than sneakers

You have spent five days in a row at the shore, without spending one night in a hotel

You call it the shore

You call it The City I call it many despicable things. I dare a rogue nation to nuke it.

If you’re a girl, your “uniform” is sneakers, sweatpants, a t-shirt, and sunglasses… but you’re in full makeup, and little does everyone else know that they’re New Balance sneakers, Gap sweatpants, a Calvin Klein t-shirt, and Kenneth Cole sunglasses.

You know that the Garden State should really be called the Suburb State, and that’s OK with you-I mean Philly cheesesteaks + real bagels CANNOT BE BAD

You’ve said, “It smells like New York in here”

Your town has more water restrictions than people living in “dry” states i.e. Arizona, and Nevada.

You don’t think of citrus when people mention “The Oranges.”

You know that it’s called “Great Adventure,” not “Six Flags.” Or Six Fags BIGGAYADVENTURE

You’ve ordered a hard roll with butter for breakfast.

You went to Seaside or Pt. Pleasant after your HS prom Ew, no.

You’ve known the way to Seaside Heights since you were seven. I’ve never even been there. Have I?

You’ve eaten at a diner, when you were stoned or drunk, at 3 am. Not stoned or drunk, but at 3 AM, yes.

Whenever you park, there’s a Camaro within three spots of you.

You know that the state isn’t one big oil refinery.

You know what town Jon Bon Jovi is from. Don’t have a clue.