Jaded, But Not Scorned.

Status Report

Wearing: Usual stuff. Tuggy included

WinAmp is Playing: Elderly Woman Behind The Counter In A Small Town – Pearl Jam

Last ate: Dining Hall Mexican Shit. (I mean that in a good way. But, it simply can’t compete with Chi-Chi’s or El Coyote.)

Last round of masturbation: Two nights ago, I believe.

Entry Start Time: 12:36 AM

Based on Esther’s “Senses”.

Though it’s not actively on my mind, I know I’ve become jaded towards girls. Well, not girls in and of themselves, just my potential to actually get a girlfriend. I promised myself I wouldn’t become scorned towards girls; I’m not. There’s a difference between jaded and scorned. I really never thought I’d reach this point, but.. it’s just a feeling.

I’m not sure exactly when it happened. When I was in the midst of Hairbrush, I had hope. I know how I felt. I was so hopeful. Optimistic. I’m always optimistic. It’s my nature when I’m into a girl. But I’ve been blindsided so many times. Not really false optimistic or even misplaced optimistic. You can’t anticipate everything.

I’m not sure what I’m trying to say. I’ll glance at what I said to Kivudet.

Those emotions I had that month I dated Angel, I’m still trying to escape. I call it a curse sarcastically, but part of me wonders if I really am cursed. Cursed to never hold a girl for that long. Those feelings I felt, I’ve never felt anything as strong since. Nobody has EVER made me feel like she did. And it annoys me, because she was so not worth those feelings.

Emotionally stunted is the phrase I like to use a lot. Like I can’t feel like I did before. Guessing about emotions without knowing. Oh sure, I know when I feel emotions, but there’s always the wonder whether they’ll last. Yet, this seems silly. When I get into girls, I typically like them for a while. Months and months after they’ve left my life, I’ll still be thinking of them now and then, mourning the loss.

After a couple emails back and forth, Skunkie hasn’t responded. Frankly, I’m glad. I feel better. As Princess might say, I got closure. Not sure exactly what I needed, but I got it? But still. In a strange way. I feel something when I look at pictures of her, even if I can’t put it into words. Maybe it’s because I remember when I got those pictures, when I took those pictures.

I know it’s silly to think I won’t find a girl. A girl, as in, somebody who will be my girlfriend. And not just for a short amount of time. And not to marry. All I wnat is one, god damn it. Just one, to break the curse. I’m patient. And really, I think I’d prefer to remain single. The initial “Whoa, a girl!” has worn off, regarding The Minor. Whatever happens, happens. I’ve reached the point of, “Wait, why am I interested in this girl?”

But, I feel… Well, I never am sure of how I feel. I look back at things and laugh. After Angel dumped me, I cried for a solid hour. Afterwards, I felt a void like I’d never felt before. Sometimes, I think it’s silly to think this and that happened simply because of her. But, she certainly caddle-proded me to the ass. After (Name removed due to embarassment), I paused for a few minutes, and got over her. I didn’t cry over Shannon. I do remember writing eleven poems or so over the next weekend.

If it weren’t for Angel, I wouldn’t have really started writing poetry in the first place.

And after I found out Angel had cheated on me, the second time we dated, I laughed. I laughed. I really did. Somehow, it seemed better that way. She had handed me a reason to bash her. Yet, I still never do.

One way or another, I always tend to blame myself. I analyze and try to see “What did I do wrong?” After the ineptness that was my first crush experience, I vowed to follow up my feelings with actions. Follow through. …And that’s why I irrationally asked out Angel, based on a few feelings and knowledge that she liked me. Hell, it’s my current motivation to see where I can go with The Minor. Nothing can motivate me more than past regret.

But, logically “thinking out” this won’t change anything. This isn’t a conclusion. It’s just a feeling. Despair. Don’t know if I’d call it loneliness. I use friends to fill the void. I won’t even know what to do with a girlfriend. Unique speciman I am, it feels like it would take a certain kind of girl to handle me. I am too much for some, it seems. Funny, I wonder if I’d be better being more conversative. But, no. What is, is. And who I will be, I will be.

I want to feel again. No more of this successively weaking emotions bullshit. I want to hold a girl in my arms. Just cuddle. And feel. Eh, whatever. This isn’t something that has been dominating my mind. Just something I’ve noticed from time to time when the mood strikes. Insert how this isn’t a cry for pity. I just felt like writing it out so I could look back later and read my writing. That was my original motivation for keeping a journal in the first place.