I’m Not Talking To You, Part III

Status Report

Wearing: Same stuff as before.

WinAmp is playing: Shudder/King of Snake – Underworld

Last ate: Taco Salad.

Last round of masturbation: Last night.

Entry Start Time: 10:16 PM

What I’d like my DiaryName to be: Nihilist.

Based on Esther’s “Senses”.

I really envy people who can set goals and achieve them. Because I just don’t seem to be that type of person. I can say to myself, “You’re going to GOTO the library and read shit for tomorrow’s classes.” and it will do nothing. I find that if I write out things I need to do, I end up avoiding them. I’m much better off going to the library and deciding on the spot what I need to do, as opposed to dwelling on “Gotta do this, gotta do that.” It’s my way of dealing with stress, as I’ve said. Avoidance.

I was thinking and pacing, as I always do. Incesticide playing. I seemed curious about the question of what drives me. I went over the question of whether happiness is the goal of life. Naturally, it isn’t. You can easily be very happy if you are ignorant to the pains of your life. Thus, the natural conclusion is that we should be free of ignorance. Or so it seems. I doubt living my life without knowing about Tom Jones will make much of a difference.

It’s what we’re ignorant of is the key, I think. Knowing facts isn’t that big of a deal. You can lead a full life while staying in a 10 mile radius of where you were born. At least, that’s how it was ages ago. I see it as a question of existence. I must accept things that happen to me. I must accept things I do. I accept that the world isn’t perfect, that not every day is great, but that every day does indeed have the potential to be quite a good one.

Unfortunately, trying to see the world as it is leads me down a very dangerous road. The easiest retort is simply, “What if I’m a brain in a vat?” or “What if there’s a malicious God that has tricked me into thinking the entire world exists?” As I like saying, I assume the world as it is exists, if only for the sake of functionality. I don’t assume history is correct. I don’t assume George W. Bush exists. I do assume this computer in front of me exists. I assume friends I’ve made aren’t just robots, but actually have conscience thoughts in their minds like I do. But, what if everything is just a giant illusion? Well, what’s creating this illusion? I’m not making up my surroundings. Unless, of course, I’m God. But, I doubt I’ll get too attached to that idea. So, if I’m being tricked, then there is something else out there. Does the world that entity is in have properties similar to ours? What is the purpose of the illusion? What if life itself is an illusion and I’m not really living? What if. Philosophers have gotten famous for these things. Me, I’m just babbling.

Finding what should drive me is one question. What about what does drive me? I haven’t answered that question. For the sake of argument, why don’t I just end my run on this mortal coil now? Well, because I intend to die at the end of my life, not now. Because I could masturbate. Because I could eat a donut. Because of a million reasons all related to the joys that come as a side effect of living. Happiness? Maybe. Happiness is just chemicals in the brain. At some point, I would have said, “Because I would miss my friends.” Or “Because those who know me would be sad.” I show a connection to the outside world. The quick assumption that I should live for others is false. Why? Making other people happy makes me happy. And anything that makes me happy is selfish. Therefore, being selfless is selfish. Or, at least, that’s how I see it. To be selfless is to be a slave to some entity, without wants and desires for your own. Being selfish is a good thing.

What I “want” seems dependent on my emotional state. That is to say, what I want is generally the result of an impulse speaking out. Well, maybe not emotional. But, ultimately, it’s just chemicals in the brain. Shall I be a pawn to determinism? Fulfilling an urge may bring temporary joy, but if we all did that, the world wouldn’t be too pretty. I think, most times, we have to repress urges. Right now, I seem to be repressing my thirst. Every time I see a cute girl, I resist the urge to reach out and touch her, however mild that urge may be. Or maybe that’s just me. Liberal in thought, conservative in action, as I like to say. I’m about a straight edge as a pro-drug person can get, so to speak. I’m all for other people fucking up their bodies as they see fit. Me? Again, an impulse which I choose to back up with so-called logic.

Do impulses drive me? Should I completely repress them? Should I embrace them? If I completely ignore my impulses, it’s kind of hard to function. I’d have to repress my random urges to call Poptart. I’d have to repress my desire to masturbate. I would have to repress my urge to get whatever food I think would taste best at the moment. I remember a time when I thought being a Vulcan was an admirable thing. Now, it’s clear that to remove our impulses, we remove something that makes us human. Animals aren’t capable of the kind of impulses we have. Yet at the same time, one thing we have over animals is our ability to repress them. So, it seems, neither extreme is preferable. Repress them, and I become a robot, acting without emotion. Embrace them, and you can kiss my morality good bye. I like my morality.

Well, I’m no closer to an answer, whatever the question was, than when I started, but I believe I’ve intellectually vented enough for the moment. Maybe now I can GOTO the library and “learn”. Ha ha. That cracks me up. College is bullshit. Two years in, and I know nothing practical about computers. It’s like I discovered my first year: Computer Science has nothing to do with computers. What I know about computers is part functionality, part curiosity. Only time will tell what I ultimately get out of college, since I seem too disillusioned to see past my own anti-socialness.