Introspective

It seems that these days I live my life in six-hour segments. My days are based on how long it takes me to get between Minnesota and Illinois. One nice thing about making the trip five to six times a week is that it doesn’t seem quite as long as it used to. Yet it still sucks when I have to leave you there and come back here.

For some reason I still ended up listening to Hinder the entire way back. Maybe it was because I said that you could do that if you would’ve come back with me, and at least that way I could try and pretend that it wasn’t my backpack occupying the passenger seat. Perhaps because there’s something strangely hypnotic in their music which makes it impossible to turn off when you spend all night driving.

Pretty much every time I leave you down there I spend the whole trip back thinking about you. And about me. And about us. And about the way things are. And about the way things have been. And about the way things should be. And about the way they will be. And about the way I wish they were.

This trip home was no exception.

For some reason though, this time I got a little stuck on the fact that I’m a guy. No, I hadn’t forgotten my gender, but I was rather overly-aware that I’m just a dude. As much as I wish I was something special or out of the ordinary, when it all comes down to it I’m just a guy. I have all of the same downfalls as pretty much every other guy out there. I make pretty much all the same mistakes as every other guy out there. I just happen to do a better job at making you laugh than most guys.

I wish so bad that I could be different, but it really is rather impossible and pointless to try and change the very core of a person. I know you deserve so much better than me, and yet I can’t offer you anything more than me…and it kills me sometimes to think about it.

You deserve someone who can love you more completely than me and someone who can take care of you and be there for you better than me. You deserve someone who can understand you better and be more intuitive to you than me. You deserve someone who can make you smile more and who can make even the shittiest day or mood go away so that you can be happy and stay that way. You deserve someone who can give you the world and more. You deserve someone who will never make you cry or cause you pain.

You deserve someone who can be for you and do for you what I wish in my heart I could.

But I’m just a man. A mere mortal who is completely unequipped and unable to be everything I should be to be able to take care of you properly.

I’d be lying if I said I’m not terrified of someday doing something to totally screw things up forever. Screwing things up is something that I’ve had a talent for since I was little. It also happens to be a talent that I can’t seem to get rid of.

I hope the future really does turn out as perfect as it is in my mind. Or even something closely resembling it. I suppose that all depends on whether or not I can avoid being stupid. I hope I can.

I miss you more than anything. I kinda feel like a zombie or something cause my heart isn’t really with me at the moment. My heart is almost 400 miles away and I only get to see it a handful of times a year.

There are so many things I hope for. I just hope the important ones really come true.

I can’t seem to get this out of my head…

*
“I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me.”
*
Hinder