F@ck Me Harder
Tomorrow is supposed to be one of the happiest days in a long time for me. Tomorrow is supposed to be the first day of a three-day weekend, and the first time I’ve really gotten to hang out with Allie in two months.
Yet today I found out that I have to work early on Tuesday, which means I have to leave an hour and a half early so that I can drive all night and have a shitty day at work on no sleep.
Work has been pissing me off for quite a while now, mainly because I think I was lied to by my boss. But of course it isn’t REALLY like that. It’s really in my head and he never REALLY promised to do what he said.
But yeah…in a way I like my job and in a way I hate it.
I especially hate it today.
I’ve always been a vindictive person. I’ve always held grudges. I’ve never tried to be this way, but I’ve never been able to NOT be this way even when I’ve tried. When someone does something to me or hurts me, I NEED to get them back at least as bad. Yet there really is no way I can fuck-over my boss without getting myself in the ass as well.
So instead I’ve been taking it out on myself.
In cases of severe emotional distress, as this is for me (I know, I’m a retard), a person needs something self-destructive to help them cope. Due to my circumstances and stuff…I shop. Yes, I know…my feminine side is coming out. But in the past week and a half I’ve blown almost $6,000 that I don’t really have. Which is $6,000 that I’m gonna have to repay sometime, plus interest.
And all that while I was trying to get out of debt…
I really don’t know why, but it’s like there is this little force inside me that I shall call the “Fuck Me Force.” It drives me to do things that will undoubtably fuck me somehow. Even when I know better, it overpowers common sense and I end up bent over with my pants off. It’s this same force that keeps me enslaved to things I once thought to be habits or addictions of the past. This is the force that drives me and shapes my future.
But alas…I need to take a shower and get packed so I can drive all night and think about this.
I hate myself. I hate myself for being so fucking dependent on a job. I hate myself for being helpless. I hate myself for being a little bitch. I hate myself for being weak. I hate myself for being me.
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“I don’t want you to look at me while
I’m shedding skin
I can’t afford for you to see what’s inside me
*
I am shedding skin
Changing within
Falling in.”
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Pantera