Surfacing

Sometimes it’s strange what can lay buried deep inside a person and go unnoticed for weeks or months or years. Even stranger still is how life almost always has a way of eventually digging it up and sticking it smack-dab in front of your face where you can’t help but see what was hiding inside you.

Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like whenever this happens it’s always something bad. Why can’t there be good things buried in me that pop up on occasion? Why can’t there be things that I see in myself and say, “Wow, I didn’t know that was there…I’m sure glad it is”?

There are times, which I’ll admit are rare, in which I try and find good things in myself to like myself for. But DAMN is it hard when there are so many bad things; so many things that have been obscured within me only to be revealed at the most inopportune times.

The short of it is that yes, I am a basket case. I’ve got issues I never even knew I had. I’ve got issues that I used to hate when I saw them in other people. I’ve got issues I wish I didn’t.

I guess what got me thinking about this was the latest one that popped up (very recently in fact). Something I never thought I’d have to worry about. One that I spent quite a bit of time on the receiving end of and I hated every second of it. One that I have no idea where it came from. One I wish I knew how to get rid of.

Maybe I’ll get lucky and be able to ignore it without it eating me alive. Then again, I’ve never really been all that lucky.

I wish I was ok. I wish I didn’t have all these chains and all this baggage that I carry. You deserve someone who is whole and complete and nowhere near as fucked up as me (which is more than I think You know).

Perhaps that’s part of my problem though. I’ve had to earn damn-near everything I’ve ever gotten in life. From the time when I was cleaning horse stalls for $3 a week when I was seven, to when I was in 6th grade and had to buy all my own clothes, until now. Pretty much everything I’ve gotten in life, whether good or bad, I got because I earned and deserved it.

A lifetime of perfect deeds and honesty and living a life without regrets still wouldn’t be enough to deserve someone as awesome and wonderful and beautiful and special as You. Maybe that’s why in the back of my mind, as much as I don’t want it, there’s always a little voice saying, “It’s too good for you, it’ll never last.”

Fucking voices.

I don’t want to be this. You deserve better than this. Yet this is who and what I am. A 27 year-old, 165lb. whack-job; complete with a diary filled with the rants and ravings and cries of someone who never should’ve been allowed out of the psyche ward.

I hate how I am. I hate who I am and who I’ve become. I hate the thoughts in my head. I hate being this way. I hate not being able to be free from this.

This is probably totally unrelated, but for some reason I keep thinking I’m hungry and so I make or buy food. Then, I either throw most of it out or I don’t even touch it. I really don’t know why. Can I be getting an eating disorder? Fucking A…I’m a skinny dude who knows it. I really don’t need one more thing to add to my list-o-shit.

So on I survive, living off of cigarettes and energy drinks.

It’s a wonderful life, I tell ya.

*
“Living in fear
Fuck pretend
24 years
Struggle within
Makin’ it clear
This is sin
Lie my dear
Lie my friend
*
The Union Undergound