eVILE

Last night I dreamed that I was a little kid again. That somehow I was still the laughing, happy, content, care-free little guy who now only lives in a shoebox full of scarcely-seen photographs.

Somehow through the miracle of photography, you can see the vibrant little spirit inside that guy. You can see the little person inside who hasn’t been marred much by the tendrils of the world. You can see a little boy who is so much unlike the man he grew into.

There are so many times a day I don’t even know who I am. There are so many things within me that make me who I am even though it seems that many of them shouldn’t be able to coexist. I can be so hateful, yet so loving. I can be so sympathetic, yet so cold and indifferent. I can want to do right, and yet want to do wrong. I can be content with who I am, yet despise myself at the same time. I can want to live a long and happy life, yet still wish I was dead or oblivious to everything.

It never ceases to amaze me how good life is at taking the clean, new, innocence of a child and turn it into the vile abomination that I am. Or how it can take that innocence and carve it up like a roast and turn the person into a pain-stuffed shell of their former self.

The thought of how many people I’ve known who’ve ended up like that hurts.

The thought of how many times I’ve been the knife that’s done the carving kills me.

The Apostle Paul, who wrote 2/3 of the New Testament of the Bible said that he died daily. Perhaps I know a bit of what that’s like. Perhaps that’s as close as I’ll ever come to knowing God (if there is one).

There are so many things I wish I could change about myself. The way I am, the way I think, the way I work internally. I wish I could find what it was that took the innocence of the little boy in the shoebox and turned it into the vile, evil, dirty, disgusting, blackened soul that now lives in my skin.

I’m sure someday I’ll pay. Someday my sins will come back to haunt me and hunt me. Someday…but apparently not today.

I know I deserve it, yet it scares the shit out of me.

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“I was born into this
Everything turns to shit
The boy that you loved is the man that you fear
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Peel off all those eyes and crawl into the dark
You’ve poisoned all your children
To camouflage your scars
Pray unto the splinters
Pray unto your fear
Pray your life was just a dream
The cut that never heals
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Pray now baby
Pray your life was just a dream
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I am so tangled in my sins that I cannot escape…”
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Marilyn Manson