Saka

It’s taken me a while to figure this out, but there is never a “last” anything.

I suppose I might be wrong when it comes to other people, but when it comes to me I always do everything I swore I’d never do.  Even if it is something I’ve done many times and simply swore I’d never do again.

Self-hate is a strange thing.  I remember when I was younger and I simply hated myself for being who I was, for things that happened in my life that were completely beyond my control, for things that were totally out of my grasp to change.

Now here I am.  In a few months I’ll be a 27-year-old man.  Yet somehow, deep inside, I’m just a scared little boy who is hurting beyond belief and doesn’t know what to do.

I watched The Last Samurai again tonight.  I don’t remember when I watched it before, but I remember I wrote an entry about it.  I remember wishing that I could find what Tom Cruise’s character found deep in the mountains of Japan; peace…and “the first restful night’s sleep in a long time.”

I’ve heard it said that it’s much easier to hate than to love, which I believe in a way.  Hate is born much easier and seems to be carried much easier, but in the end the toll that it takes is immeasurable.

Love, on the other hand, takes work to start.  Love takes work to maintain.  Yet somehow, love is much more easy to live with in the end.

I think that the thing that sucks so much about being me is that I know where to find my cure.  I go there occasionally.  Those who help to get me past my demons live 350 miles or so away from me.

In a way, I feel like a bull and there’s some cosmic force who is playing the bull-fighter.  I get close, then I’m torn away.  I get close, then I’m torn away.

And so on and so forth.

I just want this to all go away.  I want to be able to forget, and possibly forgive myself.

I want to be able to live a good and worthwhile life.

Anyhow, if you’ve seen The Last Samurai, you’ll know what the title means.