June 5, 2004

Internal Combustion

My eyelids are dams
And a lifetime of being strong
Somehow holds back what presses
And pushes and tries so hard
To be freed from the ocular bullpen
So it can run freely down my face.

Fear and frustration
Boredom and solitude
Depression and futility
A myriad of things that boil,
Burn, and eat away at me inside
Killing anything within reach.

And so on and so forth.
Sometimes its just too damn easy to put me into a depressed mood. Sometimes it really doesnt take anything to do it. Sometimes all the things I try to hide from and avoid just pop up in my mind long enough to screw with my head.

Drugs, prescription or otherwise, dont really help me. Counseling has never helped me. Friends, family, and God himself havent been able to break this depression.

There is one place I can go where its virtually impossible for me to be depressed (except when I have to leave), and its 300+ miles away. 300+ miles that might as well be 3 million. Its the home of the few people on earth that I care about, and dammitit sucks only getting to hang out a couple times a year.

Pain, pain,
Go away
Let me be
For just one day.

TheNameOfTheGame

June 6, 2004

Aww sweetie I’m sorry. I know it sounds silly, but don’t be depressed. I love you.

.::.Face Down.::.

June 7, 2004

awwww I’m sorry. I wish I could somehow make it so you could live here. And I wish that I could just make everything go away, even if it was only for a little while.

Technically speaking, “Myriad things that boil,” rather than a myriad of things. (I can almost hear your response at this point.) I understand about the depression. I nearly died from despair months ago; not sure how I functioned at all, and sometimes wonder how I lived through it. I have no magic cure ideas, but am sorry for what you are feeling. I hope it will gradually dissolve as mine has.

~A Broken Angel~

God can break the depression youre just not giving Him a chance to do so. Maybe He has a purpose for it. I’m praying for you. In Christs love and mine. Amber

angelflower

Awww. Most of my friends live in other states 1000s of miles away. And yeah, it’s a great feeling when we get together. The last time we all got together was 3 years ago. 🙁

You’re such a strong person. You may be able to relate to this ….but my parents are getting on my nerves. I don’t even want to talk to them anymore. Urgh.

You know what may do you good. To find a friend and just let it all go…cry, weep, yell, hug…whatever to let your emotions out. To have a moment where you can just feel weak and not have to be strong. I don’t know ya, but if I were one of your close friends…that’s what I’d let you do…release. Hugs.

Pre-Ex-Girlfriend

awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww you are such a sweetheart! I’m sorry leaving depresses you. One day we’ll all live in the same state I hope. or i’ll work on it. I love you lots ryn:I just dont know who its about. definately not you I promise.

Hugs. Praying for you, and your brother in law. Blessings!~

ExtantNn

June 10, 2004

Well… Up your Zoloft as high as they will let ya. Then you’ll be on that’ I’m taking alot of drugs and I can’t feel anything’kind of feeling.Mind as well pop some valium too,maybe you’ll have a weird ‘i’m high and happy’ or you could go numb. Got to watch out for the heart attack thing too..That kind of stuff always gets the way don’t you think? Question: How do I get a picture on my diary page?

Oops I almost forgot… AWWWWWWW poor darling, I feel for you I really do.. NO really you can cry to let all of it out… its ok your STRONG you’ll be OK! I’m praying you’ll PULL THROUGH… I cant imagine the PAIN and SUFFERING your going through…. if theres anything I can possibly do… You just tell me… don’t hesitate to ask…

June 11, 2004

RYN: You haven’t yet,And I doubt you ever will.

Hey there sweetheart! Thanks for your notes they really made me smile.Thanks for always making me feel special. RYN:Erin September has been like my favorite girls name since I was a little girl playing dolls, and Madison Cheyenne just recently came to mind. They could be worse ya know? tehe. Oh well I’m not having kids anyway remember? Love ya lots always

P.s did you ever get that card I sent snail mail?

RYN: I’d love to, do you wanna pay for me to live there? 😉

June 17, 2004

ryn:you are very welcome. I couldnt remember if you had told me you got it or not so I decided to check and make sure. love you much

June 18, 2004

Just wanted to let you know that I missed you tonight. RYN: I wish I was coming to visit you. It would be better than not visiting you, that’s for sure. Love ya

June 20, 2004

Well Jaimie Joel. I officially miss you like crazy. This sucks. I wish we were hanging out.

June 21, 2004

Well, it’s a good thing this entry is an alright one otherhow I might get sick of seeing it 😉 RYN: Well, I’m glad you liked it.

ryn:thank you so much. you’re the best guy in the whole world! I love you so much