One Month Sober

Damn, I’ve had absolutely no alcohol for like a month (give or take a few days). Yes, it’s taken a little self-control, but it hasn’t been entirely “hard.”

I was thinking today though about how things were before, and how they are now. It’s a bit strange, but other than my consumption of adult beverages and the fact that my diary entries aren’t as creative as they used to be, nothing has really changed.

I still don’t like life, I’m still depressed. I still think winning the lottery would make life much more bearable (and as lame as it sounds, that’s really the only thing I look forward to), yet I still haven’t won it and most likely won’t. I still drive a semi and my job requirements (like having to be courteous to assholes) still piss me off more and more every day. I still have mucho bills and not enough dinero.

People often try to tell addicts that their addiction is just something to help them ignore their problems temporarily, but when they sober up the problems will still be there. I’ve found this to be rather true. Yet, being sober doesn’t make the problems go away; being sober just means you’re more clear-headed and can fully appreciate the shittiness of those problems.

As I’ve said before, I’m an addict. The addictions sometimes change, but all my life I’ve been an addict. It’s in my blood. It’s in my DNA. It’s who I am.

Maybe this is sad, or tragic, or submitting to my poor view of myself, but I don’t know if the whole sobriety thing really works for me. To be honest, part of me kind of longs for my high school days when I used to be able to do anything (drug-wise) that I wanted, and I did.

To be honest, now that I look back on things, I’m internally pretty much the same person I was back then (other than the drug use). I’m still depressed, I still look for escapes and all that. 13 months in treatment, God, family, shrinks, the psyche ward, work, sobriety, etc. all couldn’t change that. There were times when it looked like things helped, and even times when I thought they did. But just like a well-made spring, I always seem to come back to my original and intended form.

Maybe I’ll stick with the whole “no drinking” thing. Maybe not. Either way, I’m not much different.

*
“Motherfucker you don’t understand all my hate
Motherfucker you don’t understand all my rage
Motherfucker you don’t understand all my pain
Motherfucker you don’t understand..
*
I’m a self-destructive piece of shit
Smear me in
I don’t owe you a goddamn thing
This life has never had the swing
I don’t want to be immortal or legend or anything
Cause the longer I’m alive, the better off you’ll be
Get ready for epitome, come on and pity me…
Will you kill me if I say please?”
*
Soulfly