Gothism

I wasn’t planning on writing anything today because I didn’t really have any idea what to write about, but as I was sitting here with my mind blank, listening to some Type O Negative, I thought of something.

I was thinking about how, if it would be cool with my boss and all, or if something happened where I didn’t need to have a boss (say…winning the lottery perhaps), how I would become a total goth.

I suppose that makes me a wannabe. I dunno, cause I don’t really try to be like that, but its kind of who I am.

I like black. I like dark things, both in color and in their “vibe.” I think if I was to choose a color to describe me, black would be it. Although some would argue that it isn’t a color at all. In the world of pigments, black is the product of mixing all the other colors together. When talking about colors of light, black is actually the absence of any color. Either way, I like black.

As funny as this seems because I can’t stand going to church, I do like hanging out in big cathedrals. I like the whole vibe of it. The twists and spires and arches. All the statues and gargoyles that people put all over in order to either evoke blessings from saints or ward off demons. I like how, especially in older ones, it’s like walking into something that has a story it wishes it could tell to anyone who is willing to listen.

There are a few cathedrals here in states that I’ve been to and have thought were cool, but most of the ones I sort of fell in love with are in Europe.

When I was younger, I was a choirboy. Every summer the choir goes on tour, and every third summer they go overseas. I was 14 that year when we left for Europe (I turned 15 in Paris), and we went to Switzerland, Austria, Germany, and France.

I can’t even begin to describe all the stuff in them that I thought was “SO COOL!” And I can’t even really explain the appeal of it. I like being there when they’re almost deserted, because I can’t stand all the ceremonies of masses and services and all that.

But most of the cathedrals I’ve been to have had a weird, almost eerie vibe that totally had me in awe. I like that.

I also like cemeteries. I don’t really like the newer ones as much, where everyone has a polished, flat, granite headstone. I like the older ones with the huge boulders full of intricate designs. I like the ones with strange, semi-symbolic statues all over the place. I could hang out in places like that all day.

I like pipe organs too (sometimes, not all the time). I think, “The bigger, the better.”

Some of those cathedrals we went to in Europe we actually got to sing in, and it was a total surreal experience getting to sing in places like that with the wicked acoustics they have, and have a massive pipe organ spitting out monstrous, musical growlings like a dragon that had been sleeping for ages and was suddenly, melodically awakened.

My first year as a choirboy we went west and when we were coming back we stopped at the Mormon Tabernacle in Salt Lake City. Now I think Mormons are weird and all, and the Mormon Tabernacle is nothing like a cathedral. But it has KILLER acoustics, and it also has a massive pipe organ (it’s possibly the largest in the world, or maybe just the US, I forget). But we got to sit right up in the choir loft deal while this guy Clay Christiano had a performance, and then at the end we got to sing while he played.

That guy made that organ put out some killer sounds, and being that close was like being in an earthquake.

I also like vampires. That’s another thing that I can’t figure out why. I’m pretty sure it’s not the immortality thing because I don’t want to live forever. But there is some almost magic attraction to the whole thing; the almost sensual, romantic relationship between hunter and prey.

That’s just a little peek into who I would be if I could be who I really want. But alas, sometimes outside constraints cause us to be, to varying degrees, someone we really aren’t.

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“If this time were the last time

Could I hold you all life long?

Since this time is the last time

Can I hold you all night long?

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Lay your head down for the last time

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Girl I want to die with you

In each others arms

We’ll drown in flame.”

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Type O Negative