Realization

Ok, so tonight has been a bit of a weird night.

My pal Allie has been acting like her sister Jen (which is weird, but I suppose cool in a way).

But I was just thinking about life in general when a thought hit me. I think, as much as I hate to admit it, I must think there is some afterlife somewhere, somehow.

I was sitting here, thinking of absolutely nothing in general (as usual) and I came to the conclusion that if I was absolutely convinced that there is no afterlife, that I’d take myself out. If I was absolutely convinced that no “God” would judge me, that I wouldn’t be sent to eternal damnation (even if it IS better than “praising God” for eternity), I wonder…would take myself out? If it all just ended with death, I wouldn’t care afterwards.

I don’t know. Maybe I really AM suicidal. Maybe I really DO believe in God and just don’t know it (although how the hell would THAT work?!).

I really don’t know. I don’t know anything really. But what’s new?

Part of me wishes I knew or could know the truth, and yet part of me wants nothing to do with any of that because I’ve tried it and found it to be a bunch of crap. So here I sit, being torn in half by two sides of me, neither being strong enough to defeat the other, but yet occupying my thoughts for more time than I care to spend thinking about all this.

Oh well, screw it.

Screw everything. I don’t care right now. Maybe I won’t wake up in the morning, or at all… Maybe miracles really do happen. I dunno. But I’m sick to death of everything.

Maybe I’ve been up too long and maybe it’s too late. Maybe I just need to find a way to get my brain to shut up for a while (sleep?). Maybe nothing really makes sense in my head, or in whatever form stuff comes out (speaking, typing, etc.).

So yeah.

Sorry, but for the second entry in a row, no cool song lyrics.