Dad

Amazing as this may seem, today hasn’t been one of those days where I’m so overflowing with happiness that I’m about to explode. In fact, it’s been more like I just want to fall asleep and not dream and not wake up. Sometimes I think I like sleeping much more than I like being awake. Funny though that I still don’t get as much sleep as I need. I remember back in high school there was a guy who was assistant class president or something like that who would miss school weeks at a time because he had what he called a “sleeping sickness.” Apparently when this would hit him he just couldn’t stay awake or do anything, so he just stayed home and slept. I think that would be nice.

I spent 6 hours waiting today for my car to get fixed (the first three were spent just holding my spot in line waiting for them to get to me). But my wheel bearings were going out, so I had to fork out just over $700 to get those fixed so that my wheels don’t fall off or seize up.

I did walk over to the theater and watched Analyze That while I was waiting. I didn’t think it was spectacular. In fact, I don’t even think I’d call it “good.” It was just somewhere that I could sit in relative solitude and kill time. Didn’t have to worry about people’s kids banging on things, or wanting to play with my shoe laces in the theater like I would in the waiting room of the fixit place. Don’t have to worry about strangers trying to strike up a conversation and trying to be a pal since some people (as I’ve stated in a previous entry) just can’t stand being around people without talking.

Then tonight I was watching the X-Files on my TV downstairs and my dad came down and basically told me he doesn’t want me watching X-Files with the rest of the family around. He said that especially in the past two days he’s just had a “really icky feeling every time that it’s on” and that he’s been a bit depressed lately. So that bites cause I’m really liking the X-Files and for some reason I can’t get those to play on the DVD player on my computer.

I can see though how my dad could be depressed though. He’s got a fairly stressful job where it’s his job to fix computers and stuff when they break, so his whole job has to do with dealing with problems and “emergencies.” I suppose I’m probably partly to blame for it too. I haven’t exactly turned out the way he wanted me to, which I’m sure he feels bad about (as he said once in a counseling session when I was in the psyche ward, he feels he has an obligation to God to raise all of his kids to be good Christians and all that). And I know he blames himself for that too because he said that a few months ago when we were having a bit of a chat cause I apologized for letting him down and then he apologized saying that he felt more like he let me down. And I’m not the only one, it seems like all of us kids are turning out like me.

I don’t know, I just hate crap like this. I hate feeling like this. I hate the fact that this is all I know and that even the times when I’m “happy” and “content” are all just superficial and covering over what I know will surface again.

I hate knowing my dad feels like that too. I hate letting people down. When I was a kid, I used to do all sorts of stuff with my dad; we used to hang out all the time. Even though there was lots of stuff (mostly having to do with church or God or things like that) that back then I wish he would have done differently, I still liked hanging out with him and talking to him about stuff. It’s just not like that any more though. I think it’s almost like we’re so different internally now that we don’t even know where to start.

I think it would be so cool to just be able to go and hang out, like just go to a bar somewhere and spend a few hours playing pool and having a few drinks and just being friends. I think it would be cool to be able to get out all the things we have to say, even though I don’t even know what they all are right now.

God, I can’t believe I was in such a hurry to grow up when I was a kid. I was so freaking stupid.

The really retarded thing about the whole thing between me and my dad though is that as much as I want all that, I avoid him almost. Cause if we actually do talk about personal things and not just the weather (which we honestly do talk a lot about since we are pretty much strangers now), I just don’t want him to know any more about me than he already does, because I don’t want to hurt him more. But then again, which hurts worse? Knowing the truth and being hurt by it? Or by hurting because someone you care about avoids you?

I wish I knew.

Hell, there are lots of things I wish. I wish I could change a ton of things about the way I am. I wish I could change a ton of the things that I’ve done. I wish I could take back all the times I’ve hurt people that I really do care about (although very seldom do I ever realize that I care until it’s too late).

People say that you have to let go of the past, but I don’t know how to. The past is what leads to the present.

Maybe I’m a bit of a masochist at heart too. Maybe I actually find security in all this that I put myself through (or at least allow to continue). When I was in the psyche ward when I was 18 the doctors said that the most likely reason that no one was able to notice me becoming depressed was because I had likely been depressed from before I even hit the age of 12. So maybe it really is all I know and somehow my subconscious finds ways to keep me here.

I honestly wasn’t planning on writing all of this. I was actually going to write about what I’ve been thinking about language and stuff, but I sat down and started typing and out this all came. Oh well, at least it’s something.

“I am nothing more than a little boy inside who cries out for attention, yet always tries to hide. Cause it’s always raining in my head. Forget all the things I should have said…” Staind