Issues

I have undoubtedly always been somewhat socially awkward, but I was happily unaware of it until my family moved to Miami when I was ten years old.  Up until then, surrounded by cousins my own age, neighborhood friends I’d known since birth, and school friends I’d had since kindergarten, I took my social status for granted.  It was only being rudely transplanted in a completely new place (which I did eventually grow to love, though it was of course never the same as the place where I had been born and surrounded by family) that my social awkwardness became noticeable to me.  Fifth grade is not a great time to land in a private school primarily full of kids who have known each other since kindergarten, especially when my previous school had required uniforms and my older sister was off at college, leaving me at the mercy of a mother who dressed me like I was four.  It took me a long time to find my place at that school, and has taken me even longer to forgive some of the bullying that I suffered – though honestly it was mainly in the form of neglect, and by high school I had learned not to care and began seeking acceptance elsewhere.  

I say all this because I am beginning to fear that my son has inherited some of my innate social awkwardness, and it pains me to watch him not be accepted by his peers.  In particular, there is one group of boys in one of the homeschool co-ops we attend that is his age, but they do not seem to care for David’s company.  He is oblivious to this, but he did tell me the other day that one of the little boys told him he isn’t his friend, and that hurts my heart.  It also makes me want to either talk to the other boy’s mom about his obnoxiousness, or withdraw my family from the co-op so David doesn’t have to get hurt.  He hasn’t been, thus far, it’s just me projecting my own past pain onto him and not wanting him to suffer the same ways I did.  It probably doesn’t help that he’s small for his age, young for his grade, and though he’s incredibly bright he’s also a bit emotionally immature (and therefore somewhat more prone to tears of frustration when things don’t go his way).  I just don’t want that kind of pain for him, and it kills me to think that he might have to go through that.  I was a pretty miserable kid for quite a while, and I hate to think of my precious son feeling that way.  At least I can be a better mother to him than my mother was to me; in addition to feeling like I didn’t fit in anywhere, I was also frequently made to feel that I didn’t live up to my mother’s hopes and dreams for me.  I absolutely will not do that to either of my children.  What I want more than anything is for them to have happy, fulfilled lives, and I will do everything in my power to make that happen; I will not put on them the burden of my expectations regarding who their friends are, or what kind of academics or careers they want to pursue.  

Sophie, on the other hand, is her father’s daughter, and fortunately she seems to have inherited DH’s natural charm.  Thank goodness I won’t have to worry about both of them in this particular way, though I’m sure she’ll provide me with a host of other things to worry about in the long run.

Sorry for the rant.  I know it’s party just PMS talking, but this has been bothering me all day today.  My own issues are probably more on my mind than usual because my twenty-year high school reunion will be this October, and thoughts of that always dredge up some of the old issues.  Oddly enough, none of my "tormentors" seem to realize how deeply their words or actions in middle or high school impacted me; to them, we are all just old friends.  I hope I can raise my kids to be less superficial than that too.