BEYOND THE PINES

No one knows where the Spirit World is.

The ancient people said that it is beyond the pines.

The pine trees are at the edge of the world,

and beyond them is the path of the winds.

The Spirit Way begins there at the edge of the world

among the stars, and the winds will tell the spirits of people where to find it.

What is Life?

It is the flash of a firefly in the night.

It is the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime.

It is the little shadow that runs across the grass

and loses itself in the sunset.

Paul Goble

I was led to this beautiful native american saying, my spirit was restless and I was yearning to relieve my sufferings and anguish. So many feelings to sort out last night.

My patient, a delightful and elegant women, the sweetest ninety-five year old Alzheimers patient one could be lucky enough to grace her presence–died last night.

I called her “Ms Nordstroms” because she dressed to the T’s, beautiful shiny white hair, she always applied her own make up, albeit applying cranberry lip liner to her eyebrows, It didn’t matter to me she was a vision of loveliness in my eyes.

She made me laugh and smile; hanging out in her room became my hiding place for 15 minutes each day. We kicked back and listened to Tony Bennett. She loved Tony, in fact, she told me we could share him- I could have the top half and she could have the much lower half of Mr Bennett. She would sit in her rocking chair cuddling her babies -“the kids”-she would say. I knew that she had lost one of the babies during child birth. She was very happy in her own little world–she was 23-years old.

As the months fly by-winter onto spring and now almost summer, Ms Nordstroms was changing with the seasons. She had lost her appetite, didn’t care about her appearance, the kids were left in the bassinet unattended, she selected clothes that didn’t match. One day in the middle of spring I noticed that she lost her ability to speak tangibly, more gibberish with only a few recognizable words. I knew that she was in the 7 and final stage of Alzhiemers disease. I feared her long goodbye would come before summer. With my 20 years of knowledge of dementia, I new it would be only a matter of time for me to say goodbye.

I went back into her room today and sat on the cold hospice bed mattress sans all her frilly gingham sheets, flowery comforter. I glanced around her room, she had every wall just about covered with puppy dog and kitty posters. These made me smile. A baby bassinet filled to the brim with her dolls. Laughing, she really thought these dolls were her real babies. She was such a good mommy. Laughing again, thinking about how she used to try to feed these plastic dolls. She wouldn’t even sleep in her own bed, she would say “the bed is for the kids”. She slept in the recliner up until the family brought in the bassinet.

I sat on the bed for 15 minutes and reflected I was missing her. I turned on her CD player and listened to TONY in honor of her, my friend. I was so busy being her nurse that I didn’t allow myself time to grieve. I needed to make sure she was pain free, Morphine and Ativan under the tongue every 2 hours, I needed to remind the caregivers to change her position every two hours, I needed to listen and answer to the many, many questions from her family, playing the part of good hostess/nurse. A few family members were having problems with unresolved issues. I said it was ok to give her permission to die it is the final gift of love. Hearing remains all the way to the end, I knew Ms Nodstroms was waiting to have permission to die. Her Great Grandson came into to play the Violin, This was my exit to give her family some privacy, there really was nothing more that I could offer. I left her room knowing that I would never grace her presence again IN THIS WORLD I might add.

I’m missing you tonight my friend, you taught me how to age gracefully.