My Private Pain

I went to the baby shower on Saturday for my co-worker Krissy. I just love playing party games but never seem to win anything. The first game was to write down as many boys names down on a piece of paper for 30 seconds. I came in a close second place with 15 names. The second game was a continuous kind of a game-the host handed a small plastic baby to a guest she could win the game as long as she doesn’t say the word baby. She screwed almost immediately saying “Do you have any idea how hard it is going to be not say the word baby”. I don’t think she understood the game rules. The plastic baby ended up in the hands of a pesky 6 year old who just happened to sit right next, practically on my lap. I tried 100 different creative ways to get her to say baby but she wouldn’t open her mouth she just stared at me and raised her eyebrows in a sassy kind of way. She opted out of talking until the end of the party- she won her prize-a picture frame. The third games was cutting ribbon to the circumference of Krissy’s Belly. I was about an inch too long. I never win anything!

Unwrapping all the presents took about an hour and every single item was passed around for all of us to ogle over. I forget how torturous this kind of party can be for a person who wants to have children but for some unforeseen reason is barren. There was a deep lump in my throat as I passed item after item to the left of me, I was an the verge of tears but remained strong with a forced smile and kept it together. Hand made sweaters, blankets, baby boy bath towels with hood. Not to mention all the soft cozy jamies and cute coordinating outfits with little trains, sailboats. Cute little booties, cozy fleece jammies and something in a big box called Diaper Jeanie. All these gifts placed into my hands left me with visions and desires, dancing and spinning in my head.

To make matters worse for me there were 5 young girls who were all in different stages of pregnancy. They had a picture taking session with them holding up their cute maternity tops to expose their bellies. I for once, didn’t want to take any pictures.

If only I could someday have a baby shower for me–I have always been the hostess with the mostess for countless baby showers remember I have 5 sister who all have large family. Ever since the party, I have been really depressed and crying softly-a quiet kind of pain which is best left to self- a pain bounding through my heart; a deep and open wound spilling forth into my spirt and soul. Nobody really understands how I feel.

A pretty purple envelope was on my desk this morning-you know purple is my favorite color for life. I opened it up quickly with anticipation–was it some kind of thank you card for being a good nurse? NO, just another baby shower invitation form a Caregiver named Branady. Danm! I just don’t know if I can do it again.

To make matters much, much worse for me, when I got home and checked my updated favorites I noted that —-had updated. Opened up her diary form there I was then lead to her husband’s diary for their special announcement. Yeppers! there was a picture of their positive urine stick. Don’t get me wrong I’m very happy for them–really! It’s just hard to deal with all these women around me getting pregnant.

Maybe I should rub up against them for good measure.