Barbie v. Ken

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Written By Sam McManis

Tacoma News Tribune

Pretrial depositions in divorce case of Barbie, plaintiff v. Ken, defendant. Case No. CA 378360. Site: Malibu, Calif. Date: Feb. 13, 2004.

Present at said deposition: Barbie (hereinafter known as “plaintiff”), Mr. Johnnie Cochran, Esq., attorney for plaintiff; Ken (hereinafter referred to as “defendant”); Mr. Mark Geragos, Esq., attorney for defendant; Court Reporter Barbie (Note: distant relation to plaintiff, chartreuse steno pad and matching briefcase sold separately, $9.95, retail).

Mr. Cochran: “Thank you, Mr. Geragos, for taking the time out from your busy schedule defending Michael Jackson and Scott Peterson to tend to this matter. As you know, the publicity surrounding the dissolution of this union of 43 years has been intense. My client would like to resolve the matter of marital assets forthwith and get on with her life. And I’ve got a Larry King appearance to tape at 1 p.m.”

Mr. Geragos: “No problem. I’ve got a Regis and Kelly taping at 4 myself.”

Plaintiff: “Can we, like, get on with this? I am so totally disgusted just looking at that smug face and helmet hair across the table that I could just, like, hurl.”

Defendant: “Right back at ya, babe. By the way, looks like you put on some poundage the last few weeks. Is that stress, or did your liposuction accessory malfunction?”

Plaintiff: “You’re the king of malfunction. I should’ve kicked you to the curb decades ago, when I first found out you weren’t anatomically correct.”

Defendant: “I get no complaints from those Bratz babes.”

Mr. Cochran: “OK, OK. Let’s try to keep things civil. Now then, the defendant is charged with adultery, mental cruelty and …”

Defendant: “You wanna know about cruelty? I’ll tell you about cruelty. Try living with a woman who needs three whole wings of our estate for accessories. All I get is one lousy shoe rack and some cheesy plastic armoire.”

Mr. Cochran: “As I was saying, mental cruelty and alienation of affection …”

Defendant: “Ha, that’s a laugh. She’s the one who’s holding back the affection. Always says she’s too tired. Could it be because she has 42 careers? When she’s not Lawyer Barbie, she’s EMT Barbie or Nuclear Physicist Barbie or Flight Attendant Barbie. She’s inflexible, too. Literally.”

Plaintiff: “That is so not true. And, besides, at least I bring home a paycheck. I don’t sit around all day in beach togs and work on my tan until my plastic cracks. You make Ben Affleck look like a rocket scientist.”

Defendant: “Hey, tanning is work. Not all of us can be successful career women. Who took care of the home while you were out gallivanting around in your convertible Mustang at all hours?”

Plaintiff: “It’s, like, obvious that this empty suit feels threatened by a smart, talented, successful and altogether stylin’ woman. So he has to go find some Mattel bimbo to bed.”

Mr. Geragos: “I must advise my client not to address that last accusation.”

Mr. Cochran: “I hold here Exhibit A, motel receipts from the Knot-E-Pine out on Pacific Coast Highway. And here are photos we have of the defendant in flagrante delicto with the Janet Jackson action figure. What do you have to say for yourself?”

Defendant: “Let me see that picture. Hmm, my hair looks terrific in that snapshot, not a strand out of place. But, I swear, she had a wardrobe malfunction, went into shock, and I was merely performing CPR on her.”

Mr. Cochran: “So you admit to having relations outside of the marital bed with said woman?”

Defendant: “Wouldn’t you seek comfort elsewhere if you had to spend year after year with Arctic Explorer Barbie between the sheets? The woman is so frigid that there are icicles hanging from her side of the bed.”

Plaintiff: “You are so hurtful. And I’ll have you know that my leading men in the ‘Toy Story’ movie would beg to differ with that.”

Defendant: “I knew it. I knew you and Mr. Potato Head were doing the nasty off the set.”

Mr. Cochran: “Barbie. I must advise you to zip those Botoxed lips.”

Plaintiff: “Best sex I ever had. Mr. Potato Head was kind, gentle and a real spud in the sack. Not like you, Kenny Boy. You can, like, use that shrinkage excuse all you want, but now I know what a real man is like. Mr. Potato Head only has eyes for me and knows how to satisfy my needs.”

Mr. Geragos: “That’s it. This deposition is over. I knew I should’ve accepted the Kobe Bryant case instead.”

Defendant: “See you in court, babe.”

Plaintiff: “Make that ‘Scorned Wife Barbie Court’ ($19.99). Judge, gavel, star witnesses, traumatized offspring, jury and bailiff sold separately.”