I have such a hard time thinking of titles

omggg

So let’s see. Right…since I have no idea who reads anymore…

Back before I got pregnant with Aurora (early 2003) I had started Weight Watchers and lost about 30 lbs…I got down to 160, which was still about 30ish too heavy but I wasn’t worried just BECAUSE I had done so well. I figured I would rejoin after she was born and just not eat so damn much while I was pregnant with her (like I did with Ireland lol)

Well yeah. that didn’t happen. Then things with Malakai and I got worse and I put on more and more…then we seperated in 2005 and I managed to lose 20…got back down to 180

Then things just got out of hand, he stopped calling, didn’t see the kids, and when we did talk he stressed the hell out of me. PLUS all the bullshit I went through with my mom. Well I put it back on plus some.

I don’t really know what I weighed when it all came down and I left her house with the kids, somewhere around 215 probably. In the couple months I spent with Dave and his parents I gained another 10….”said” I was going to lose it when we moved out and ended up gaining more and more and finally hit just shy of 262 (261.8…like I said) when I REJOINED Weight Watchers back on April 27 this year.

My reasons are twofold…

1 – I desperately need to lose weight. I realized how big I was, and what it was doing to my body, but I didn’t realize what I LOOKED like until they took my photo for my work id. Wow.

I’m 5’1″ with a medium frame…I should be in the 120s at the most, at my age.

2 – It hit me that I was 100lbs heavier than when I got pregnant with Aurora…and that I had trouble getting pregnant even back then. I had only just started ovulating again…

Which leads to the fucking turmoil that I can’t find many people to really understand…Dave and I would like to have a baby together and I’m incapable of getting pregnant.

I don’t ovulate, I don’t get periods. My PCOS is fucking with me, my hormones are all over the place.

I’m growing hair EVERYWHERE…and I don’t mean a little, I mean thick, man hair on my face to the point I have to wax or Nair the shit twice a week at LEAST (and it’s not just on my face)…while I’m LOSING the hair on my head. I’ve lost over half my damn hair.

Everything is screwed up. I’m on metformin for insulin resistence, on HCTZ for this unexplained swelling (it’s baaad) and the severe headaches and blood pressure in the “you better get it down now” range I was getting with it. I’m on Lipitor for cholesterol which was apparently OUT THE FUCKING ROOF.

They put me on birth control for a few months to see if they could get me to have a period, because my uterine lining has been so thick…they biopsied it last year, after putting me on provera and it not clearing enough out. They had me on bcp last year too but get this:

I STOPPED GETTING A DAMN PERIOD ON THE FRIGGIN PILL.

How the HELL does that work?

Granted my ob’s office has let me know that if the doc thinks things are coming down under control under the meds when I go back next month, they’ve noted that we want to try to get pregnant and she’d probably figure out how to help…but that I didn’t mind for now the pill to try and help.

Which I appreciate. When my OB left her practice I kept going there and the lady I WAS seeing told me she wouldn’t help me until I lost EVERYTHING I needed…she was skinny as a stick herself. Which isn’t the point but still. I worry that waiting too long will mean that even if I lost it all now, it will be too late.

But on theo ther hand I do realize that apparently my body won’t function right to GET pregnant on it’s own until I’m around at least 150-160…I’ve known this for a while, I lost the weight like that with each of the kids before I got pregnant with them and it was in that range that it finally “kick started” itself.

Dave would prefer I lost weight just because he doesn’t want to see me in any complications while I was pregnant just BECAUSE I was that overweight…and he’s right and I know this.

It’s just depressing to me, it’s been 4 years, most of this time not using anything and NOTHING. That’s enough to make any doctor look at you funny.

In the meantime, friend after friend has gotten pregnant, only ONE was trying (and she had trouble STAYING pregnant), some of them more than once.

And you know. I’m really fucking tired of people saying “Well you guys already have 4 between you.”

Well yes, thanks, I wasn’t aware of that.

Because, you know, it’s TOTALLY the same as having one together.

People don’t understand, so they don’t think. Yes, I’ve had 3. I love them. I love Xander.

That doesn’t stop me from wanting to have one with my husband.

I’ve looked at adopting.

We just won’t ever have the kind of money that it requires UP FRONT to adopt.

We have the money to raise another child. We’d have to take out major loans to pay the adoption fees PLUS fix all the things in our house that I know a home study would deem not up to their standards. Not that it’s EVER out of the question, I would just prefer to have another child now instead of waiting until I’m in my 40s like my dad and stepmom did. Beggars can’t be choosers but in the meantime, I can’t help how I feel.

I’ve had friends NOT invite me to baby showers because they felt bad that they were pregnant and we can’t get that way.

Which then hurts because I can’t hold it against them, and I’m happy for them and would have LOVED to have been there.

Chasity didn’t want to tell me she was pregnant because we haven’t been able to…

I mean, these friends are trying to be careful of my feelings but I feel like they think it’s their fault that it hurts me. It’s not.

I’m angry at myself for letting my weight get so high, irritated at my body for having stopped functioning normally so early in my life (this is at the LOWER end of what I have weighed).

I’m frustrated because I don’t KNOW if I can get pregnant, EVER. I don’t know if I lose the weight, if I’ll ever work the right way, I don’t KNOW if they decide I need medical help to get pregnant, if it will work.

I don’t KNOW if we’ll ever have a child together and it hurts. Even knowing that years ago I knew I wanted to be with Dave and not Malakai (long story if you’re not familiar with it) I wouldn’t have changed anything…everything I went through in my life changed me in ways for the better and I wouldn’t change anything even now…but still.

Anyway. Dave’s home so I’ll head off here. I’m just frustrated.