08/18/2013

I have a story in my head. A couple actually. I would love to write these stories but I’m scared that the transition from brain to paper would lose the life and fullness that I see in my imagination. I can picture the characters and the events that they are involved in, the world in which they live. I have the end of the story and a good idea of how they get there. I just don’t feel confident that I can convey all this to others.

I don’t know. Maybe I’m just thinking too much. If I just sit at the keyboard and start typing, I might be surprised at what comes out. I just don’t know.

I feel useless right now. I’m not working. I’m not improving our house or life in any way. I’m not learning new things. All I do is play video games and surf the internet and read fiction and comic books. I’m having trouble breaking free from this rut and getting around to doing other things. I think I’m depressed and I don’t like it.

I’ve always been an optimist. It’s hard though when its been 4 months and I’ve sent out probably 50 applications. Out of those 50 I’ve only had 4 or 5 companies show interest. It really hits me in the spirit. I’m a failure. If I wasn’t getting unemployment, I wouldn’t be providing for my family at all. And the kicker is that because I made a decent salary when I was working, I’m getting a decent unemployment check. Because I’m getting a decent unemployment check, we aren’t eligible for food stamps or state insurance. Money is going to be getting very tight around here soon. As it is, we can’t afford to buy health insurance. This is a big problem since my wife has diabetes and PCOS.

I honestly don’t care about going to see a doctor myself. I’m doing ok. But we need to do something for my wife very soon or her prescriptions are going to run out and we can’t afford that shit on our own. If something were to happen to her, I don’t know what I’d do.

Well, this entry got off topic. All I meant to do was get up the courage to write a story. Instead I just took a big mental dump.