RANT OF ALL RANTS

I am so friggen angry that I could scream, It is so hard to keep all these emotions inside and contained, I feel like I am walking on a mine field and I am going to explode at any minute.  Tuesday hubby goes in for surgery, he will have about 7 inches of his colon removed. The doctors think that it will be just fine. the problem is his liver, right across from the colon cancer. The MRI shows some spots that are NOT cysts and look suspicious. The official report talks of the cancer mestastizing from the colon. He had no clue what that meant, but I do and it isn’t good at all.

The anger is coming from me being torn between two very conflicting strong emotions, On the one hand I feel I should be a support system for him and help him through this. To me it is the only right thing to do. One the other hand it pisses me off that I feel I HAVE to do the right thing. I also should be here for the kids as a strong parent. A part of me wants to say "screw you". But of course good Catholic girl that I am, I can’t/won’t.

There is also a very big part of me that says good you deserve some pain in your life, you’ve given me enough with your affiars and in your face attitude. for all the put downs and telling me how stupid I am and yes even telling your "friends" on line that you can’t have an intelligent conversation with me. And you thought I didn’t know about that. And then the guilt kicks in for feeling this way…..product once again of the Irish Catholic church every Sunday upbringing.

But damn it what about me and all I’ve been through. When do I get the happiness I deserve?

The kicker in all this is that one May 15th the day he had the colonoscopy done and the world stopped in our little corner of it anyway, was the day I had an appointment with a lawyer to talk about a divorce and what my rights would be. And that of course had to be canceled due to this news…… The reason I finally made that decision was because at the end of April I received an email from our timeshare confirming my arrival date at the timeshare. Imagine if you can my surprise since I hadn’t made any arrangements to go to Atlantic City to use our timeshare. But hubby did. He actually flew his latest young girlfriend in from IL (yes, the one he was with in Feb or March when he went away for a conference and left 2 days earlier). She is 23 years old, he is 50…… So does my anger make some sense?

On top of all this a friend of mine said I should ask him not to go otherwise I would wonder the rest of my life if we could have saved this marriage. And so I did, his response was to walk out the door without a backward glance. Then during the long weekend away he texts me and says he’s miserable and made a mistake and wishes he were home and had never left. Do I believe him? Hell no. And the reason, because dumb ass, writes a letter to her after he gets home telling her how much he loves her and how the weekend was wonderful and he wishes he could be with her all the time., He tells me it’s over and they haven’t talked at all, yet his cell phone bill says otherwise…..he is a lier and a cheater and I am angry as hell at him and having a hard time keeping a lid on the anger……