Sadness and Grief have come to stay

There has been such sadness, pain and grief that has been hanging around us since before Christmas. It has cast such a shadow over the holidays. When people ask how the holidays were I say OK, but inside I’m thinking….damn…they were just something we finally got through. Circumstances have now forced us to make a decision that was not very easy to make in one sense, but very easy to make in another sense. I know we will get through this latest, but I wonder if there will be any casualties from it. What will the fallout be, at what cost?

Let me start at the beginning…..on Dec. 17, 2004..Friday night. Our 16 year old son (M) had some friends over. HUbby had gotten mas at them because they were “trashing” the basement. They were tearing tissues up and putting them in front of this huge standing fan we have down there, so tissues were all over the room. He yelled at them to clean it up and make sure I came down to see the mess and hear him yell all over again. Well then I guess the kids decided to have a water fight with our bottled water. One thing led to another and hubby threw all the kids out for trashing the place. Yes, he was right in one sense, the kids WERE disrespecting our home and possessions and it was wrong of them. He then told M to clean up the basement. M’s reaction was to take off with his friends which infuriated hubby to no end. Lots of yelling later son came back in only to leave again and stay outside and talk to friends in a car. Again the tirade began, hubby thought son was trying to embarass him which set him off more, son thought hubby was trying to embarass him and wouldn’t respond to hubby. Over an hour later, I was being screamed at for not doing anything, I stated that when Michael came in I would deal with him. Wasn’t good enough. So finally I caved in and went to the front door and told Michael to come in and clean up his mess. He said he wasn’t coming in because he didn’t deserve the yelling and screaming his father was doing and he would clean up when he got in. So, now I have hubby yelling at me and son telling me he wasn’t coming in. So, I said he better get in or I was going to call the cops on the girls in the car for harassing us. That put a scare into the girls and they pleaded with M. to go in. He finally did. I’m not sure what happened next as I wasn’t in the room, but hubby then got the other kids involved and made them look at the mess down the basement, which also included 4 bottles of Snapple on the floor.  So the 14 yr old tries to help out the older one and picks up the only 2 bottles of Snapple he saw. But hubby knew there were 4 and is now punishing the 14 yr old for covering up for his brother….things quickly went down hill from there…lots of yelling and tears. So now we have 2 kids punished, one for covering up and the other for not cleaning up when he was told to. Now it’s Sunday night. I took my daughter and her friend to a concert (her first) and didn’t get home until about midnight. It was very cold and there was a lot of black ice on the roads which made driving extremely hazardous. When I got in I was feeling really sick so I changed but then went downstairs until I felt better. I noticed M on the computer….or trying to get on, I thought nothing of it, just told him to go to bed which he did. I finally felt a little better about 2 AM and went to bed. No sooner did I get under the covers when there was a loud noise and my bedroom lit up. My first thought was that someone had thrown fiireworks at our old van which is parked at the end of the driveway. No sooner did that thought pass through my mind when I heard the squealing of tires as the car speed away.

Fast forward to the next morning, Dec 20, on my way to work I got a phone call. It seems there was a very bad accident involving 2 of the kids in the HS…..and they were both very good friends of my sons (M). Seems like they decided that life was just not worth living and drove a car into a utility pole which such force it sheared the car in half, throwing one child out and pinning the other. The back half of the car was wrapped around the pole, the other half (front) was over 150 feet away. One died, one is being charged possible with murder. The child that died was according to my son the only one he could ever talk to. I went to the school and after much time and talks with some detectives I would up taking about 8 kids home with me. We fed them and just let them be together in there grief. The rest of the week was the same, the kids are came here to talk or just stare at the walls and each other. Yes, the boy who died was one of the kids hubby asked to leave on Friday night. And on Sun night when M was trying to get on line, it was because hubby(who had punished him from AOL for not llistening to him on Fri night) had come down stairs and found M on line in an IM. It was (we found out later) an Im with the child who had died…he had asked M what had happened after they all left and M told him he was punished, he (son) was then asked to run away with them that night. The fireworks were 3 boys trying to get M to wake up and come with them. Only son never heard them. The pact was made by 2 of the 3 kids in the car (to kill themselves), so the one child drove home and the other 2 went on…mind you none of these kids even have there driver permits much less a license. Whateve happened between the time the one child was dropped off and the time of the accident is a mystery still. The child who survived will not talk to anyone…he is in a hospital for observation, but says when he is released into juvi..he will talk to my son and the other boy who was in the car,no one else.

My son has not been handling this well at all and reacting right now…not thinking. He took off the other night with another parent (her son was the driver of the car who was thrown) and she was taking her 14 yr old child to get a tattoo. M wants one too, with RIP the boys name (who died) and the date…I had asked him to wait until he was 18 before he made that decision, but he took off anyway to go with them…w/o our permission. Later on he informed us that he didn;t want or need anyone to care about him or love him…he has no feelings for us and doesn’t want us to have any for him. Looking into his eyes was llike looking into a bottomless pool, devoid of emotion or feellings, just empty liquid pool with no reflection or sign of life. He really can’t understand why we would care…he DOESN’T want us to care or love him. I told hubby I think it is time for some kind of intervention…..I think he may need to be hospitalized and may need medication.

Today I made soem phone calls, the first being with his school counselor, I told her of the developments this past week and asked her to look at his eyes. She said she was going to pull him from class and do an  evualation of him and would call me back. I then called our ins co and asked what my options were…since I do not feel he is in danger of hurting himself intentionally, they can only offer outside support/therapy. The counselor called me back and feels M is in need of a more structured intervention….not in hospital care, but partial hospital care…going to the hospital 5 days a week from 9 – 3 for 2 -3 weeks on intense therapy…I agreed. Son also said he didn;t care but would try. So then we had to wait to hear from ins co. And that phone call just came…..theywill not authorize the treatment…they will offer 3 days a week, the school counselor thinks it isn’t enough. If a psychiatrist makes that diagnosis, they will allow it, but not on the advice of a counselor. So now I have an appointment on Wed with a psychiatrist, for a rapid evaluation, if he feels 3 days would be enough we will go with that, the school counselor thinks he won’t and will push for the full days. All I know is that I afraid for my childs life and am glad that at least he is open to the possibility of feeling better and that he will try to make it work. Just pray, we can get to him in time. I am also in need of some good sleep as since this has happened we don’t sleep very well, both hubby and I are listening to make sure he doesn’t leave the house…he on the couch and me upstairs.

On another note, if anyone has any ideas on how to reach our troubled teens, (not just here, but across the country) to get them to se that suicide IS NOT the answer, please let me know. We have had 5 -6 suicides in our school in the last 2 years……one is too many. Yet, the kids know that there friend(S) are depressed and they cover up for them. There has got to be a way to get these kids to listen. They have to KNOW that Suicide is a Permanent Solution to a Temporary Problem….and NOTHING is worth killing yourself for. We have to find a way to save these kids. There has to be a solution…there just has to.

Any and all thoughts are very welcome and appreciated.