Part Two

PART TWO OF TWO

So yes, finally I was ready and God had been patiently waiting for me. But my story doesn’t end here. Because addiction is a life long battle. I am so grateful that I got out of that situation alive because many I knew did not. Among my little circle of people that I regularly partied with, 5 of them did not not make it. And there are at least 5 others that I knew casually who are now dead. As a matter of fact, out of our little group, I am only 1 of 2 success stories. The others that are still alive are still using.

But am I really a success? I can’t tell you how many times I have been congratulated on my sobriety. Many, many times by many, many people. And when someone does say something to me, I smile and thank them but inside I cringe a little. It took me a long time to figure out why that was. The reason is simple, I am an addict. I have one of the most addictive personalities of anyone I’ve ever met. It’s always been there lurking, coming out occasionally and then retreating, but always there. I am incapable of doing just about anything in moderation. I have battled drugs, alcohol, cigarettes and food. I have won some battles but the war is ongoing.

I’m not sure you can understand addiction unless you are an addict. Webster’s defines the word addiction as follows:

"the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma".

The most important part of this definition, to me, is the mention of psychological enslavement. The physical withdrawal pains from drugs and alcohol ranges from not too bad to excruciating. It can last for hours or weeks, sometimes even months. With crack the physical withdrawal symptoms last about 24 hours. Extreme agitation, sweating, rapid heartbeat, inability to sleep, these are the most common symptoms. Within 72 hours the drug is out of your system. But oh the mental anguish has just begun.

Having the sun come up after smoking crack all night (or even for several days), the realization of being completely broke, the shattering of all possibilities for getting more dope, has got to be one of the most horrible feelings in the world. If we were lucky and had sense, we may have saved enough for a bottle to take the edge off but that was rare. The weight of this depressive state feels like a heavy, wet, wool blanket has encompassed you. It’s a horrible, horrible feeling that many times was bad enough to bring on thoughts of suicide. I know 4 people who followed through on these kind of thoughts.

But yet I would gladly repeat over and over again, the very actions that brought about these feelings. Night after night, I never said no.

A few good things came out of this experience. I met some wonderful people in recovery. I became more humble. I acquired a deep compassion for my fellow addicts and those that loved them. Let me tell you what addiction is:

Addiction is the man with Cirrhosis of the liver who continues to drink.

Addiction is the woman with emphysema who begs someone to go buy her a pack of cigarettes because she doesn’t have enough breath in her to do it herself.

It’s the young guy who walks out of prison, 3 years of his life taken away because of drugs, who lights up a joint within an hour of his release.

It’s the man at McDonald’s drive thru ordering a Big Mac meal though he’s already suffered 2 heart attacks.

It’s the teenager selling their body so they can inject more poison into themselves.

It’s so easy to pass judgement on these people. Why don’t they just stop? Do they want to die? Don’t they realize how much they have to live for? How many people love them? Don’t they know they are going to lose everything?

What people who don’t share this disease don’t understand is that we do not think like you. We don’t think logically because we cannot think past our physical and psychological need to feed our addiction. We’re not stupid people, we’re addicts. No we don’t want to die, yes we know you love us, yes we know what we stand to lose and NO, we just can’t stop.

I understand how heartbreaking it is to love an addict because I’ve been on both ends. To feel helpless and frustrated and angry. To beg and plead for them to stop, to threaten and bargain. One time in a meeting, something was said that has always stuck with me – ”sometimes you have to walk away to save yourself ". It was directed at the addicts, about walking away from people you love who may pull you down. Walking away from people you may have known for years in order to save yourself. But it can just as easily be meant for the loved ones of addicts. Nothing you can say or do will change this person unless they want it. And with few exceptions, they cannot do it without outside help.

The last thing I want to say about addiction is this – it is very cunning and you can never beat it, only keep it at bay. It is so cunning that it sometimes disguises itself. This is cross addiction, substituting one addiction for another. This is why I am 100+ lbs. heavier than I was when I was using. This is why I cringe when people commend me for getting off drugs. Did I really win this battle or did I just switch my addiction back to food, my earlier drug of choice? Addiction is why I continue to eat the wrong foods and too much of it even though nothing in this world is more important to me than my grandchildren. I want to be there for them for a long time in a healthy way. I did so well last year, I really thought I was on my way to putting this dragon back in his cage. I know what I’m doing wrong, I’m well educated on nutrition. I know how to lose weight, I’ve done it a thousand times. But I relapsed. I fooled myself into thinking I could ease up on the healthy eating during the holidays and then get right back to it. I forgot how powerful my addiction is once I allow it to get out of control. I need help.

I haven’t weighed myself in months. I know I’ve probably gained back a good 20 lbs. So what now? Well I’m hoping that writing all this out and putting it out there will be a good jump start for me. I plan on getting on that scale before this weekend is over. And then I have to reach for outside help, either OA or Weight Watchers. I cannot do this alone.

If you have read this far, thank you. I appreciate the love and support and the kind words I’ve already got from my favs. You have no idea how much that means to me.