03/29/2011

Letter to People I Miss (part 1?)

Dear __________,

Who in this world could I miss more than you? You were my best friend, my protector, my biggest defender and staunchest supporter. I was your baby and you spoiled me rotten. My beautiful, wonderful, loving and kindhearted mother. I miss you from the very deepest part of my heart. I still ache from the loss of your presence.

My earliest memories are of you. I loved being with you and you took me everywhere you went. As I grew from your sweet little girl into a moody rebellious teen, your love never wavered. And when I reached adulthood, I realized how truly wonderful you were. We became grown up best friends, enjoying each other’s company as adults was a gift I will always appreciate. Oh sure we drove each other crazy sometimes. We fought like only mothers and daughters can, but the love was always there, ever present. And when Aimee came along, your little Pudd, our relationship only grew stronger. We became 3 best friends.

I always thought if I could be half the mother you were, then I would be a great one. Family was always number 1 with you. Your faith in God was so inspiring to me. I was in awe of the way it sustained you through some of the toughest times a human being ever had to go through.

I miss your voice, your hands, your gentleness and your silliness. You always made us laugh. I miss your cooking; your pork chop pot pies, your steak and mushroom gravy, your potato salad and macaroni and cheese. I miss your girlishness; the way you flirted with men well into your 70’s, your whimsy, your spirit.

I know you are looking down and seeing your little Pudd all grown up with beautiful children of her own. I know you protect us and watch over us. I wish I could see you with my granddaughters. I can only imagine how you would run your fingers through Makayla’s curls over and over. I know how you always loved curly hair. I can almost hear you kissing Leah’s fat little cheeks and telling her what beautiful eyes she has.

I love you so much and am blessed and so grateful because you were my mom.

 

Dear __________,

I guess it’s a little silly to say you miss someone you see everyday. But the joy my heart feels every time I see your sweet little face can only mean my heart misses you anytime you are not around.

From the time you could walk, you started popping in and out of my room over and over. And every time you do, I pause whatever I’m doing and just revel in the happiness you bring me. Each time you come bouncing in, I’m happy to see you, whether it’s the first time or the fifteenth. You and I have a very special relationship and I thank God for you and your little sister.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the quiet when you are gone. The uninterrupted naps, phone calls, TV shows, computer time and book reading are nice. But I have years to do those things. Taking the time to truly experience these moments with you, to enjoy watching as you travel through your babyhood and childhood, to see your sweetness and innocence, to watch you grow, to see you dance and sing and laugh, these are the moments I’ll never get to do over. I am so glad I realize this and take the time savor them. I always tell you that the happiest time of day for me is when you come home and it’s true.

So yes my little angel, those 9+ hours you are gone each day, I miss you.

 

Dear __________,

I miss the man I fell in love with. I never dreamed it would end up this way. I never would have believed there would be a time in my life that you weren’t it.

Our first years together were filled with so much love and laughter. I always had fun with you no matter what we were doing. We were so happy and loved being together. We had such good times. Going fishing, doing donuts in the snow, you teaching me to drive a stick shift, having dinner and playing cards with our friends, our vacations in the mountains, driving along with the radio blasting while we sang our hearts out, making love every chance we got.

I loved working with you; those unexpected brushes against each other during the day, catching your eye across the room and seeing you smile, leaving little love notes for each other and our secret rendezvous’ in the storage room, the parking garage and the conference room. We were so bad but we couldn’t get enough of each other.

I always thought of you as one of the kindest people I knew. You seemed to go out of your way to make other people feel good about themselves. You were helpful and kind to everyone. That’s one of the reasons I find it so hard to accept that you have chosen to shut your only daughter out of your life.

You were a good father those first few years even as our relationship deteriorated. Once we were over for good, you distanced yourself from her more and more. Eventually your contact with her stopped completely. I guess it’s now been about 7 years since either one of us has heard from you. I can’t even imagine what excuses and justifications you use to help you sleep at night.

I know you hurt her deeply and that’s unforgivable in my book. In spite of your absence or maybe because of it, she has grown up into a strong, smart and beautiful woman. She is a wonderful mother, a hard worker and has a good heart. She also has a bit of hardness to her, a way of distancing herself from those around her. I know this is because of your abuse. And yes, I do consider what you did to her abuse. Imagine how it must feel to have your father cut you out of your life, with no explanation. To know he lives only an hour away but chooses not to contact you. To know he has other children and grandchildren in his life that he does have a relationship with. Personally I can’t imagine how painful that must be. I only know how much it hurts me to know she has been hurt.

This you, this man you have become that I don’t know, is not who I miss. The other one, yes there are times when I have a memory or hear a song and I think of you and how things once were. And I miss that man.

 

Dear __________,

You were probably my first best friend. Almost like a second mother to me since you were 11 years older.

I loved you so much. You were the best big sister when I was growing up. I was so in awe of you, getting dressed up and taking the bus over to DC each day to go to work. You were always so pretty and smelled so good. And every payday you would bring me a present home.

I remember sharing a room with you. You were so creative! It seemed like we were always redecorating, painting the room beautiful shades of blue and purple and yellow (not at the same time). You got us those little shelves, painted them white and we bought plants to line them with. You loved plants and I loved them too because of you.

I remember when I was 10 years old and you married Don. I cried and cried because you were leaving me. But you never really left me. Looking back I see how much you did love me. You always took me places, out to eat, to the carnival, the drugstore. You never forgot about me.

Once I became an adult we fought like crazy. Oh how we fought! But you were always the first one to extend the olive branch. I was much more stubborn and prideful.

You were so smart Bonnie. And so talented. You could sew and crochet and did beautiful needlepoint. You had such an eye for decorating and I always loved your apartments. You loved books and music, poetry and perfume, antiques and flowers. You were funny and charming and knew something about everything. You were a wonderful friend.

You did have a dark side, some struggles within you. You were very high strung and a world class worrier. You worried about everything. I think that’s one of the reasons we fought so much, you always thought of me as your little sister, someone you had to constantly watch over and protect. As I grew older I became very resentful of what I felt was your intruding and interference in my life.

But we did have some wonderful times. I loved going to your apartment and hanging out. I loved when we all went to dinner. I loved our birthday and Christmas celebrations at home. I loved shopping with you. I loved that I could you any question without feeling dumb. I loved how I could call you up and tell you a few words from a song I was trying to remember and you always knew it. I loved how much you loved Aimee, all the happiness you brought (and bought) her. How you made her Halloween costumes, took her places just like you did me, played with her and worried over her.

You were always the person I went to when my heart was broken, when I was worried or scared. I remember when you died one of my first thoughts (selfishly) was "who I am going to call in the middle of the night when I’m crying?".

You suffered so much the last few years of your life. It was so hard to watch you go through all that you did. I’m grateful I could be there as much as I was but I always wanted to do more. I knew how scared you were and I felt so helpless. I always felt like I let you down but knowing you, I know you didn’t feel that way. I miss you my beautiful sister.