10/05/2009

Hello everyone,

It’s the end of a very pleasant weekend. The weather was gorgeous today!  It was sunny and breezy with just the slight chill of fall in the air. My friend Bonnie and ran some errands, got ice cream, and took Makayla to the park. She was one tired and dirty little girl by the time we go home. What wasn’t covered in chocolate ice cream, was smudged in dirt. We had a good day J .

I keep thinking I want to put another excerpt of my book in here but I’m holding back. I guess I’m afraid of rejection and judgement. Which is silly because if I didn’t want judgement, why post it here? And by rejection, I mean I tend to worry about offending someone. My story is very raw in parts and in a lot of it I don’t come off ver well LOL. But it is my story, it is my life and this is my diary.

So here’s a piece of my life. A big piece actually.

I never imagined I would someday become someone’s mistress….

The years between ages 16 and 22 were my prime years so to speak. I was young (obviously), had a good job, a car and my own place starting at age 18. And I was pretty. I don’t mean that in an arrogant way, just as a fact that’s important to my story. Because I certainly didn’t feel pretty. I mean I knew I was. I had seen it in the mirror and had people tell me I was. But inside, oh such a different story.

My body issues were huge, no pun intended. During that time frame I probably weighed 20-25 pounds more than I should have. But the number didn’t matter. I wasn’t thin and I always felt fat. Let me tell you a little secret. The bond between girlfriends is one of the strongest ever known. We love each other, we are always there for each other. It is a friendship, a sisterhood, and if you’re lucky, a lifetime commitment. I had some really great friends. They were all beautiful to me but in reality, physically, some of them were not attractive. But they were skinny. Or at least in my eyes they were. Now here’s the secret, most males will always pick skinny over pretty.

I saw it happen time and time again. And as much as I loved some of these girls, inside I was fully of envy. I hated going to bars or any place where this secret could rear its ugly head. I hated designer jeans and halter tops! The jeans never fit me right and the halter tops couldn’t hide that little roll of fat that hung over my jeans when I sat down.

All this is not to say I didn’t have any boyfriends because I had my share. In spite of my insecurities or maybe because of them, I developed a way of charming plenty of guys to look past those extra pounds. I loved to flirt. I loved exchanging banter with the opposite sex. I was not overly sexual or even suggestive. My flirting was subtle yet effective.

I stayed a virgin till I was 17 and then gave myself to the first love of my life. He was 24, handsome, charming as hell and came on strong. I met him in a convenience store of all places! I used to stop in there on my way to summer school. He would smile and flirt and make me blush and laugh. Finally one day he asked for my phone number and called me that night.

Our first date was pretty funny. I think we went and got some to eat, fast food I’m sure, and then went for a ride. He also worked for a vending company and his van was full of snack food to stock the machines. At one point (I think he was nervous), he hit a curb and all the snacks came flying forward and hit us in the back of the head. We both cracked up!

Later on he rode us over to the baseball field. The baseball field is actually two fields, one for little league and one for the big league (high school kids). It was also the hangout for all the kids in the neighborhood. MY friends. There was a playground and a huge parking lot that sat between the baseball fields and a YMCA. Across the street is a grocery store and a drug store, both of which I think I visited at least once a day between the ages of 13 and 17. Behind the YMCA was a picnic table. That was the meeting place.

We would meet there to hang out and drink whatever beer we could get our hands on. We also smoked a lot of pot back there. Good times I tell ya!

So when he pulled into the parking lot, I felt a little awkward. He was older and this was my crowd and I wasn’t sure how they would react to him. I needn’t have worried!  As soon as he stepped out of the van several people started calling him by name and saying hello. Seemed everyone but me knew him! As it turned out I knew OF him but I just didn’t realize who he was. He had been married to the sister of one of my high school friends. I actually bought pot from him without ever meeting him face to face.

So anyway we dated for about a year or so. I was living with my parents and he was living with his aunt and uncle where he had moved after separating from his wife. This delayed the de-virginizing by about 2 months.

When it finally happened I was so glad to have it over with. I had thought about and imagined this experience for several years. No matter how many times I thought about it, I couldn’t shake the feeling of terror at it actually happening. I just couldn’t for the life of me imagine myself getting naked in front of a man!  But I did it and it was pretty nice for a first time. I remember going to the bathroom and looking in the mirror expecting to look different. More womanly I suppose, but nope, it was just the same old face grinning back at me. But inside I felt the difference and I knew all there was to know now and the world was my oyster.

TO BE CONTINUED