09/25/2009

Hello everyone,

I was just out in the living room lying on the couch a few minutes ago. This is a good place to think, laying there looking out our balcony door at all the trees. The leaves are still green and plentiful but I know they won’t be for long. I’ll really miss this view when we leave.

I’ve been feeling like somewhat of a failure lately. I never dreamt at this age that I would be facing the things I am facing. The uncertainty, the constant struggle to pay bills. I think your self worth takes a kick in the gut when you get to the point of needing public assistance. It’s like you cross a line you never thought you would. A lot of people might think it’s an easy thing to get ‘free’ money and food stamps from the government. It’s not. It’s a blessing but it’s not an easy thing for most people. It’s not like you just ask and then you receive. There are mountains of paperwork to complete. There are interviews. There are intimate questions to answer. There are rules and procedures you must follow. In Aimee’s case, she has had to go to a place called Job Link for 6 hours every day. She has done everything she can do there and still no job. So she has to start volunteer work on Monday. I think it will be a good thing for her but it sure doesn’t pay the bills. She has sent out dozens of resumes this week alone and received not one phone call for an interview.

And there’s your pride. It’s a humbling experience to ask for help but we couldn’t have survived without it. Not only from the government but from loving and generous friends and family. People who would share their last dollar with me.

All this thinking got me to thinking some more about all I’ve been through in my life. I started listing the difficult times in my head:

I was molested as a child.

I’ve suffered devastating losses of people who meant the most to me. My mother, my father, my sister, my brother and several friends.

I’ve sunk into depressions so deep I never thought I would dig my way out of them.

I’ve battled addiction to both drugs and alcohol. I won’t say I’ve won because it’s an ongoing battle, but after almost 9 years, I feel pretty confident about a drug and alcohol free future.

I’ve lost friends, trust, respect, cars, jobs, and more money than I can count because of the above.

I’ve had my heart ripped out and stomped on on more than one occasion. I’ve been lied to, cheated on and abused, physically and emotionally, by men.

I’ve been in 3 major car accidents and walked away from all 3.

I’ve faced death three times in my life. Once at the wrong end of a gun and twice due to health problems. The last health crisis is ongoing and made me face the very real possibility that my life will be shortened and that I will never work again.

And now here I am. I’ll be 49 years old in November, and where does this leave me?

Well I’ll tell you where it leaves me:

STRONG. GRATEFUL. BLESSED.  HUMBLE.  RICH WHERE IT COUNTS. AND CLOSER TO GOD THAN I’VE EVER BEEN IN MY LIFE.

I’m not a failure. I’M A SURVIVOR!! I am exactly where I’m supposed to be. So I shook off all those negative thoughts and came here to write down these realizations. To say thank you to God for bringing me through these tough times. To say thank you to my friends, my family and all of you who have been a part of my struggles and offered support, love and encouragement.

I will get through this. I can’t promise I will never whine or complain or throw the occasional pity party. But I will remember that all of this is a part of life. We all have tough times to get through and we survive by reaching out, asking for help and helping others whenever we can.

(((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))