The Bathtub

My view right now

Sitting in my favourite cafe (the only cafe) watching the world go by outside the window.

Let me rewind a few days. My internet died suddenly on Wednesday. I thought it was maybe just a glitch in something, so I restarted everything and waited and did it again and let it sit overnite. It still didn’t work, so I finally called verizon. They scheduled someone to come out between 8am and 6pm on Friday . Fine. I work night shift, I can be home all day. So I sleep unsoundly for about 2 hours in the morning right when I get home from work, and remain mostly awake until 8PM. PEE EM. The guy was supposed to be there by 630 at the latest. So I call the service center again. "Oh, he never showed up? That’s odd" says the guy from India who I can’t really understand. After a great deal of miscommunication, and me NEVER finding out what happened to the guy who was supposed to show on Friday, we rescheduled for Monday, between 8am and 3pm. He better show up or so help me goddess I’m cancelling my service even tho I have a year and a half left in my contract…..

*sigh* So anyways. I had to work that nite, even tho I’d gotten basically no sleep, and this morning I drove to see La for a while. We did all kinds of fun things like get her oil changed, walked across the street and had breakfast at Panera’s, then walked to the shopping center and perused Petco and Michael’s for a while. It’s so funny, cuz she’ll ask me a question about me and halfway thru we get distracted and start talking about *her* again and then she’ll be like "Aaaahhh, I’m so sorry, we were talking about YOU!" But I really don’t mind. I really could just listen to her talk and talk and talk.

We also looked at my selection of pictures I hope to use in my Photography Exhibit. It was nice to see her reaction to them, because she’s honest and said which ones she liked, and which ones she didn’t like, and why. And when she flipped to one of them, she let out a genuine "OOOOOOHHHH" which felt pretty amazing, if I do say so myself. This is the one she made that noise at:

It’s one of my very favourites too, actually.

I always feel so refreshed after we hang out. My drive home is always full of smiles and connectedness to the sky. If that makes sense at all….

In the past few days I’ve reread The Shack and Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, as well as read Wherever You Go, There You Are by Jon Kabat-Zinn and am halfway through Anger by Thich Nhat Hanh, so I’m trying to be more mindful and aware and connected, in general. Even if I weren’t so exhausted, I think I would still feel calmer, which is nice. I have to work tonite and tomorrow nite and 5 nights next week. My bank account is very happy about all of these full time weeks. And the banishing of Kindles has one positive side-effect – I’m making my way through all of the unread books on my shelves. My goal is to read them and get rid of them. (Or some of them) I have TOO MUCH STUFF. Just too much. I need to simplify my life and declutter my apartment. That is a goal for me.

I emailed J today and asked if we could go for a walk sometime. I need to talk to her but I don’t need to be in therapy. I just need to figure out what to do with my anger for Guy. How to handle it without letting it crush me, which I feel like is what’s happening and part of why I spend all day in bed. (If we’re really going to get down to the nitty gritty of things.) I’m angry about what happened, even tho I had a part in it. I think I’m angry that he has no guilt over it, so I have all of it. My problem and not his. But I don’t know what to do with it.

Ok. Sleepy time.