therapy day **edit**

I found it difficult to breathe, trying to discuss things. Mum, death, depression, avoidance.

But I felt safety and acceptance and patience. I felt human. heh.

Stopped by and saw M this morning, which was lovely. I worry a lot about her and what she’s going thru. But I also have the strongest trust in her getting thru it and thriving again. She’s simply one of the most amazing women I’ve ever known.

The people downstairs are grilling something, steak it smells like. It’s making me nauseous?? bleurgh….prolly just the smoke is, not the actual meat smell. heh.

I played Sims 2 a bit after therapy. Got Brooke into private school. Jeannie continues to get straight A’s at her private school, and also gained a cooking skill point after making spaghetti and a mechanical skill point for unclogging the toilet. wOoT! Need to find a way to post pics of them, cuz they’re fun. Nik and Jo look a lot like AJ and I. Alexis is kinda nondescript…takes more after me, brown hair, dark complexion. Jeannie is lighter, with purple and blue streaked hair that goes very well with her skin tone. Jeannie is very light- takes after Jo, red hair and all. There’s another one in there that I can’t remember I think? I dunno, the two oldest have moved out. And Jeannie turns into an adult in a few days, so she’ll be out too. Unless I decide to let Jo and Nik turn into elders…dunno. Don’t think I want to do that til Jeannie’s at least a teen or an adult!

gah i’m exhausted.

***edit***
! Katerina. That’s their first kid. I remembered.

I lay down and listened to the guided meditiation cd J gave me. I liked it. But was tired and kept dozing off, I think. THen I got too warm and had to turn the fan on, so it wasn’t exactly the effect I was going for. Blah.

Agreed to babysit for Bina and Keer tomorrow for a few hours. What the hell I mean, she’s been paying me like, $7 an hour. Can’t turn that down. It’s been really nice to have cash in my pocket.

Plus, mum gave me $50 and H had left me $20 for food at mum’s and then when she got there and I was leaving, she gave me another $50. Of course, I spent at least $50 in gas money to and fro, and will spend another next week when I go back, so it’s not like it’s “extra” money or anything. But it’s still certainly much needed. I’ve been doing so so so good about not using my credit card for anything. Yay for me. heh.

J and I also talked a bit about becoming an alcoholic today. She assured me that she didn’t believe I was an alcoholic (which I knew) nor did she think I was in danger of becoming one, based on my current habits. Or that I qualified even for substance abuse. So. That was nice to hear. I mean, I worry. I’ve always worried about it. Which is why I always felt so guilty when I would drink. Finally, after hanging out with/living with M, I was ok with having a few drinks with them, on the porch or whatever. Because it was so safe and so comfortable and I trusted that M wouldn’t ever encourage me to get like, trashed or anything. (Granted, I can be buzzed after one strong g&t. But she knew that and just wouldn’t give me more I don’t think, unless I asked, so I knew I could trust her) Even now tho, I always feel so guilty after going to a bar and drinking enough to get drunk. I just always live with that fear….always have to so closely monitor things…so I don’t turn out like Him. (Elmer) Chris has. And it makes me so sad.

Oh well. As I told J, if anything, I’d be more likely to get addicted to mary jane than to alcohol. I’d rather smoke up than drink ANY day. But even then, the last time I did, I did something wrong- smoked too fast or something (had to catch up, everyone else’d been there for a few hours) and ended up totally paranoid and out of it. That wasn’t enjoyable. But just enough to be mellow, that I could easily get addicted to.

Thankfully AJ’s not too keen on such things, so I know I won’t ever find myself constantly around such influences.

I babble. I need sleep. I feel really drained. I think the time with my mum wore me out but I didn’t put it down til I was in J’s office today. And now I just feel the fatigue of what I had been lugging? I dunno.