The blue light of the flame

So. J says that when she thinks about or hears how I talk about my life, it seems to her as if it’s just one giant To Do list. A lot of “should’s” and “have to’s” and not much on the Want or even Basic Needs portion.

And she’s very right. Almost everything I do, I do because I feel I have to, on some level or another. One of the exceptions to this is time spent with AJ. (hehe. Well, it IS a “Have To” but not in the obligatory sense…if that makes sense). But. Yeah. She (J, not AJ) thinks that I feel that if I do things take time to do even the Need To’s, that I won’t be able to finish the Should’s. She also thinks that I’d be better able to do the Should’s if I actually did the Need To’s.

But. Yeah. I mean. I get up every day because I should. I go to classes and work and meetings because I should, not necessarily because I want to. I eat, not because I am hungry, but because I should. (she says as she eats a carton of Ben & Jerry’s Strawberry Cheesecake ice cream. *rolls eyes*)

And I was telling J that I just feel like I go and go and go and go and go and never stop until I just drop. And if I do stop, I feel guilty or wrong for doing so. She mentioned hospital, and seeing if that would help any. And something about my dr feeling as if she’s not doing all that she could be? Or not able to do all that she should? I forget how she said it and I forgot to go back and ask her about it.

And. I was quiet. Contemplating whether or not I should tell her that generally, the times that I’ve called her recently or asked her to call me….I only dial the numbers after a lot of consideration, because I hate to bother or annoy or otherwise inconvenience her…and generally the straw that pushes me over is when I start thinking “I need to call J and ask her if she recommends [hospital a] or [hospital b]” or if she has directions how to get there. Of course, by the time she picks up the phone, I have reminded myself that I simply don’t have time to do the IP thing. That it would mean missing school which would cause me to fail out of the program, or missing work which would cause me to not be able to pay the bills. And I’d have to find someone to take care of the cats and water the plants and feed the snake. The stress of all that would outweigh any possible benefits of going ip.

And at one point I was being silent (ha, just at one point…?) and I asked her “What?” and she replied that she was just listening to me. And I asked her what I was ‘saying’. I just want to be listened to. don’t try to change me, don’t try to make me change- just listen to me…. And. Yeah. But too…something’s gotta change…

…something’s gotta give somewhere, forcing circles in to square’s…

And I have 5 days vacation off from classes. Tomorrow I drive to my sister’s and stay til Thursday afternoon. Drive home. Write a paper, study. Sleep. Go to work at 3pm for Gracie on Friday. Work for her until 1130pm. Work my nite shift from 1130pm-7am Saturday morning. Finish paper. Study. Sleep. Work 11p-7a Sunday morning. Get groceries. Study. Clean. Sleep. Go to class….

It feels like the walls are closing in, and I just want the feeling to stop. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. And I just…want peace. I want to be able to take a deep breath without feeling like I’m shaking or like I will cry or explode or expire.