touch

today has not been a good day. the last several days, as a matter of fact, have not been good days.

the culmination of that, so far, is that i ended up in j’s skewl office today for about an hour and a half or so, i think.

and, while i am there, i still tend to just feel horrible and stuff, cuz not only am i in a bad mood, but i also feel like i’m wasting a lot of her time. she says i’m not. but. somehow i’m pretty positive that she has better things to do than sit around watching me be angry and walled off and suicidal and depressed. especially since we both know all the shite will pass eventually, so what’s the point in sitting there in silence for an hour…i dunno. i guess i dunno maybe i do. but i dunno.

anyways. i was sitting here tonite, and i took my lunesta about a half hour ago so i’m surprised this typing is coming out so well, but whatever. i had called aj while i was at wally world and had to hang up with her cuz i was at the checkout and i said i’d call in half an hour but i guess she went to bed or turned her phone off or whatever cuz she hasn’t answered. so. sighs. i miss her. lots.

so i was sitting here just feeling tired (hehe. chased rb around for part of the afternoon. gawd i missed that little rugrat and his ceaseless chatter- jay came over to my apt while he and i were there (looking at my snake) and jay walked us back to m’s house and rb chattered the ENTIRE time about star wars. of course, jay knows a LOT more than i do, so they were having a wonderful dialogue. heh. boys.)

sitting here feeling dazed and tired, thinking about j’s office today and just. realizing that. i dunno. i was sitting there with my head down on the arm of the chairs and she just, as she often does, just put her hand on my shoulder. and. i dunno. it was like *shrugs* it was solid and safe and steady and just There. and i dunno why it surprises me that such things comfort me, i tend to be such a tactile person. but. i dunno. i just. sometimes it just surprises me, how grounding she tends to be. which. is probably part of what makes her such a wonderful therapistlady. hehe.

gawd i need to sleep. tired. tired and grumpy. and overwhelmed.

and.
stuff.