She could make a penguin fly…

mmmm. Am at AJ’s, tho I should be at home getting ready to go to a mandatory Fire Safety In-service for the psych center. But. They can just bite me. :p Seriously. What’s the point? I’ve seen the video 3 times, I know what RACE stands for (Rescue Alarm Contain Evacuate), I know what the bells mean (1 for A wing, 2 for B, 3 for C, 4 for D and the caf/kitchen, 5 for RTF, 6 for disaster. I know where the fire extinguishers..extenguishers…whatever it is…are (one under each nsg station, one in the hallway by B wing, one in hallway by the timeclock door, one in the school hallway, one in the kitchen. Ok, I don’t know where the ones in the lobby or A wing are, but working nite shift, I can’t get to the A wing without the AE keys anyways, and if there’s a fire there it’s gonna be out of control by the time I know about it anyways…) I know what to do in case of fire (RACE) and what the responsibilities of various staff are (Runner- goes wherever help is needed, Call person- stays at the desk and either calls the other units when it is all clear or waits for the other units to call them, depending on which unit you’re on- Adult is the where you call to. Halls- goes down the hallway and checks each room to make sure there are no patients in them, then closes the door and makes a chalk X on it, towards the middle/bottom, so other people/fire dept knows that the room has been checked) I know what to do in a disaster (depends on the disaster as to what we’re to do) Hmm. What else do we learn at that thing….I think that that’s about it.

And. Full time/part time staff have incentive to go to it…I mean, the first time it’s just a good thing to do so you know what’s going on, etc. But after that…well, when employee reviews come due, they check to see that you’ve been to all mandatory in-services and if you have, it makes you eligible for a higher raise. However. Being a Flex worker, I’m not ELIGIBLE for a raise, no matter WHAT I do. The only way I’ll get a raise is if they do a general increase in wages. Which doesn’t happen very often. So, FT and PT people have incentives. Me? It doesn’t matter what I do, I am where I am and I’ll never get any higher. *shrugs*

I do generally go to all things mandatory, when they don’t conflict with school. But. With any luck, I won’t even be working there this time next year. And if they choose to fire me over such things, I still have the # of the other job I was offered. Plus, yesterday all I did was lay in bed and read and sleep. There was nothing else I had/COULD do, because I’m not home and there aren’t a zillion little projects that need to be done. And I realized just how frikkin’ relaxing that was. And also how frikkin tired I am. And I have a feeling that this semester isn’t going to be exactly relaxing, and J is always encouraging me to…I dunno…to do self-care. So I’m counting this as self-care. Cuz AJ is off tomorrow, and I don’t work til 11pm, so we can spend the day together. Which we obviously wouldn’t be able to do if I had gone home this morning to attend a half-hour long repetitive in-service! So.

Lah. So. Therapy yesterday…wait, no. It’s thursday today isn’t it? So therapy on Tuesday….lah. We did a little kind of memorial thing. For Nevin, mikey, marietta. lah. I took the poem that she had asked me to write, or rather I happened to have it in my bag which is funny because 1. I don’t always take my bag with me and 2. it was in there cuz i had wanted to work on it at work the other nite, not cuz I remembered that J had wanted me to bring it with me this week. meh. My subconscious at work, I s’pose.

Anyways. She asked me to read it. Out loud. Which. I hatehatehate hearing the sound of my own voice. That’s prolly the #1 reason that I despise talking on the telephone. Also, I rarely, if ever, read my stuff out loud. A few times in Terman’s classes. But at most, 5 or 6 pieces over the course of 2 semesters. So. So I read it. And. As I always do, I read it quickly! (Dr T was ALWAYS having me re-read, because I almost always sped thru whatever it was, either my piece or someone else’s…) I think J was going to ask me to read it again, because she was commenting on how fast I read it, but I kind of cut her off and told her how terman always made me reread and I was like please don’t ask me to read it again… eheh.

And so instead, she read it aloud. Which. Other ppl reading my writing out loud has occured even less than me reading my own stuff aloud. Eheh. And. And oi. I ‘had’ to listen when she read it. I couldn’t focus on just -reading- it and not thinking about what I was reading. Which is, apparently, what I generally do. Just as I don’t generally feel things when I am writing them. Which, is odd. As I tend to think of writing as a release. But. Often it’s somewhat….emotionless? I mean. Not completely. But. But I can focus on form and content rather than The Subject and I guess that that’s the part that calms me. Or something.

But hearing someone else read it. Someone who respects words, who knows the backstory, who knows *me*….in Terman’s class…ppl read each others work aloud. But. Not with the right inflections or pauses or…connectedness? Granted, much of the work that I submitted for round-table was not excessively deep/personal. Or if it was, I passed it off as not being so. People will so easily believe that fact is fiction…

But J? First off, I always savor the experience of listening to her talk. Well, I mean, I guess I hear her talk alot at school or on panels or whatnot. But there’s a difference. She has like…a Therapy Voice, lol. I don’t know how to explain it. But it’s much more quiet and…reserved? I don’t know that “reserved” is the right word. But. It just has a certain quality to it that just like…it steps back. What she says is powerful and strong but not foreceful. I’m totally not explaining this right! lol. *shrugs* While technically we are having a conversation, her voice makes it very apparent that I am the speaker and she the listener. Which is kind of like, Duh, cuz it is therapy, and that’s part of the point- to talk and be heard. Anyways. So. Yeah, sometimes her words are few and far between but sometimes that makes them all the more potent. And second, regardless of whether it’s her “therapy” voice or “teaching” voice or whatever, it just has a nice timbre and tone. There are just some people who have almost naturally calming and soothing voices. She does. Dormouse did. Does. Whatever. This one person (well, actually several ppl at work) who I don’t even really know at work does.

I’m tangenting. So. She read the piece out loud. And. I almost asked her to stop because it was the first time I actually *heard* it, *listened* to it, really *felt* it. And it hurt. heh. And. I saw the images that I wrote about. I guess I see them a lot, but generally fleeting, ephemeral, hazy like. But, as I heard her read, I saw them, concretely. Full on, in a way that I hadn’t seen them in years and years. And. I realized that. These weren’t just things that I wrote about. They weren’t just anecdotes from my past. They were….real. It happened. It all happened. For real.

uhm. no more on that right now. heh.

We also talked about AJ and I. Cuz. I had been planning on leaving for her place after therapy. But. I was having qualms about that, as. As I had done some stupid shit earlier in the day. And. I didn’t want to face that, I didn’t want to have her know about it. And I knew that there was no way I could hide it from her. I dunno. But. J and I talked about it. And. She doesn’t often…push me to do things? I mean. hmmm. She kind of states her thoughts without judgement or…opinion. But. In this, I got the feeling that she was of the definite opinion that it was something that I needed to do. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen her be so insistent, such as it were. (Ugh. I need a new vocabulary, the words I have just aren’t exactly…it.) Or maybe I’m just…uh…doing one of those psychological things..projecting? Something. I dunno.

So. And I dunno. I had called AJ that morning, cuz it was a really bad nite at work and I was exhausted and just…not doing well? And I don’t know why I called- I didn’t want to worry her or concern her or dump on her or whatever. But I called anyways (eheh. And apparently fell asleep almost immediately afterwards cuz I woke up to my alarm, still in my scrubs, holding my phone.) And. There are ppl who know about the cutting. And people who’ve definately stated that they’d rather I didn’t, that I shouldn’t, etc. But. No one’s ever…I dunno. When I talked to AJ, she was asking me to not do anything ‘stupid’ and was like…Please…. Not…not pleading, perse. But. Just in a way and in a tone that no one’s ever used on me before.

And so. When I did, after I did. I just. Heard that please… in my head. And. *sigh* I was telling J…ya know…if I can’t even stop when…when someone whom I love so deeply asks me so…sincerely…if that’s not enough, how am I ever going to stop? If that’s not incentive enough, what the hell is?

And I know M has asked me, and others too prolly, and I know it affects them too. But. They don’t have to see it, necessarily, unless I show them. They don’t have to…live with it, perse. They don’t have to deal with it so up close and personal, so intimately. AJ kind of…does. And I hate that- I hate that I put her (or anyone, really, but) in such a position. And. Other people are….transient? They can come and go as they please, they can shift their focus, I am not in the center of their rooms. And even if I am, like I am sometimes with Homie or whatever…she has the same issues. Or rather. The same…coping mechanisms? Or has in the past, if not now. So I don’t have to explain to her. I don’t have to worry that she will be hurt by it or…or rather that she won’t have to be hurt and confused by it?

AJ…isn’t at least, I really don’t want her to be transient. And p’raps it’s a pipe dream or ‘the innocence of youth’ or ‘blinded by love’ but…but my brainheart has already incorporated her into all aspects of my future. My brainheart now considers Us and We and Our when thinking about where to live, to work, where to be in 10 years time. Which maybe is kind of scary but. But I like it. I want it. I want Us. I’ve never felt so…so right…in my life. I’ve never felt like such an equal.

She balances me. She helps me balance. Balancing/balance feels like a possibility now, instead of just an impossible dream. I keep waiting for a time when I look in to her eyes and see boredom with me. But I only see Blue.the colour, not the mood So so so blue. Takes my breath away, every single fuckin’ time.

And. Ya know. Last nite proved that she was perfect for me, that we’re perfect for each other– we went to her parents house and she showed me her old bedroom, where she grew up. And what is hanging above her bed? The giant “The Truth Is Out There” poster with Mulder and Scully. *giggolz* I mean. Come on. Blue eyes, redfaux!! hair, AND an X-Phile?? Who could ask for anything more?!! hehe.

Not sure that I ever got around to whatever it was that I was trying to say. But. I’m tired now and am going to go downstairs and put a DVD in my computer, maybe Amile (sp?)…AJ also has an awesome movie collection and try to stay awake til she gets home, so that we can take a nap 🙂