Cuz, ya know, I need more guilt.

when i’m at work, i’m pretty good at reading people i think, provided they aren’t intentionally masking or misleading. i can see (what i think is) anger seething from eyes, i can sense (what i think is) fear in the way they tense themselves. so on and so forth.

and i’m left to wonder right now, what someone might see if they looked at me. the contours of my face would probably exhibit apathy, fatigue, maybe depression or sadness. what about the anger? it’s there, i can feel it there but it is so muffled by everything that i’ve layered on top.

i was laying on the couch watching Tomb Raider and some random guy calls me. (He called yesterday while i was driving home and he was like “Uh….yeah, i’m the guy whose kid you chased around the park that one day…”) He asked if I could babysit on Friday. I work that nite, but he assured me they’d be home by 10ish. He wanted to know if I wanted to come over before then to meet the kids some more and such. Sure, I said. Wednesday would be good since I work Wed night and have to be to the other campus at 6pm on Thursday to show a movie to Dr F’s class. So, Wed would work. But, his wife will be away. Ok. So we decide on Thursday at noon.

Anyways. After that was all done, I lay back down on the couch and thought to myself that I should prolly call my mum. So I did. *shakes head* She was mildly upset that H and I went shopping at the outlets…this is understandable, as shopping is her passion. Then she thought I was babysitting on Monday for Z….I said no, I wasn’t, I came home yesterday. Oh, she says, H told her I was babysitting Monday. So she wondered who was watching him. Apparently H also told her that she worked Saturday? Which. She didn’t. So I wonder who is getting the story mixed up. And mum was like “huh. I wonder who is babysitting on Monday then…” And I know who – Shawn’s parents. But there’s no frikkin way I was telling my mum that. H can tell her. Or not tell her. Or whatever.

So we are chatting along and she was like “did you get rid of the snake yet?” No…. “[echo]! what if i die tomorrow and you didn’t do what i asked (or maybe she said “do what I said”)?!! Then what would you do?” *sigh* Before I could stop myself I said “I would promise not to bring him to your funeral.” She said having a snake in my house was like having a lit firecracker that you never knew when it was going to go off….I resorted to childhood tactics and tattled on H. “You wanna know about firecrackers! H has a frikkin RIFLE. Now THAT’s a firecracker!!!” Anything to get the blame off of me, huh? I’m such a jerk. BUt I didn’t do it really intentionally. I just said it before I thought about it.

Then. She starts in on how it’s prolly her husbands and blah blah blah she should leave him and he’s weird and such.

Then of course on to Patrick. “I worry about him. He comes here and is just so worn out by the time he gets here he just crashes on the floor and sleeps.” (he’s always done that, Chris and I do too….sleep in the middle of the living room floor. prolly childhood habit, since most of us lay on the floor to watch tv instead of on the couches…) I continue with my disinterested “mmhmm” noises and she was like “and his plan for the summer is to have you eventually get down there to see his cottage. So that’s something to work on…” In my mind I was screaming ‘not a bloody chance in hell’ but I just said “yep.” and let her continue on with her conversation.