framed

Well. I ended up not getting the lids finished til probably 8pm, which resulted in only 2 of the 4 animals getting where they need to be. *sigh*

I had to go to the mall for long nails (which didn’t work) and staples (which weren’t the right kind, but I made them work…) and while I was there, I planned on getting a replacement drivers license, since I managed to lose mine. Except, there were a good 20 people sitting there, waiting! That place NEVER has people in it when I go by. Today it was packed full tho. So I just left and went to the eye doctor instead. I think I’ve needed a new prescription for several months and for some fucked up reason I thought it would be a GOOD idea to spend money that I don’t have. *rolls eyes* Actually, the eye exam and $50 worth of frame were covered by insurance. Of course, none of their frames (except 2 really ugly pairs) cost les than $99. *breathes* All in all, it ended up costing me $104. I should have them in 2 weeks. lah. I wanted to get contacts again but insurance doesn’t pay for them at ALL. So. So much for that.

Anyways. They had a new doctor who has some sort of disability that causes him to limp/shuffle when he walks and talk odd, like maybe he had a stroke or something. Which wouldn’t bother me, except he’s really BIG. eheh. So. I’m sitting there making small talk with him as if I’m cool as a cucumber but my internal dialogue was pretty freaked out. I’m such a fuckwit.

But. They did the eye dilation thing, oi vey. Of course it was sunny as all get-out, and it doesn’t help that I feel nauseous anyways when they do that to me, so being outside was a real joy. *growls* And now my eyes feel all dry and I have a headache.

But they *didn’t* do the air-puff thing that I hate. The one that checks for pressure for glaucoma and stuff. They did a different thing where he put drops in my eyes (that stung..) (and were yellow..) and then shone a blacklight in my eyes. It was interesting, and FAR more comfortable than the air puff thing, which I DREAD.

I don’t feel good tonite. I mean. Mental-wise. I went to wallyworld the other day and picked up a bunch of 49 cent greeting cards. One for H, to congratulate her on graduating (heh. I can send it along with the mother’s day card I never remembered to send her) One for another friend who graduated from college. One for Homie, just to say Hi. One for Gloria, just to say Hi.

The one for H is ok, and the one for Evie who graduated. But the others, for Homie and Gloria. Just. Bother me. And that voice in my head is just on constant repeat…..you can’t do anything right, why bother? And, ya know. I’m trying to ignore it, distract myself. Trying to tell it to shut up, tell it it’s wrong. Trying to hear other people’s voices, who don’t say such things.

But it just keeps coming back. Keeps slipping in, in the quiet times. And I feel so tired. That huge weight is just right back on my shoulders.

I can’t keep doing this for the rest of my life, I am getting too tired of the battle. And I haven’t felt that way in a while, which is good, I guess. But also terrifying, how familiar it is. Terrifying to be able to identify it, because I know what comes next.

it’s late. i need to go to bed.