Unraveled

Today just hasn’t stopped. I got up around 9 and got a shower and cleaned and was so exhausted I just had to lay back down- I didn’t sleep well last nite. And it’s not that I always feel tired like I do during school. I just feel like I can’t get enough sleep. But I think mostly what I can’t get enough of is the safety that my blankets and cat by my head and olivia tucked under my arm and soft music on the stereo allots me. le’sigh.

Anyways. Then I got up again and realized that M had called me earlier and asked if I wanted to drive to the city with her to pick up lights and stuff for DB’s show (that I’m going to miss. *screams*) but I declined, cuz I had a ton of shit that needed to be done today. *sigh* I should’ve said yes and gone with her. But oh well. So. I got up again and went to the pet store and got crickets for Alix so M doesn’t have to deal with that- I just put all of them in the tank, instead of the half dozen or so that I usually give her at one time. Hopefully she won’t overeat and explode. That would be gross. Then I went to the psych dept and dropped off my time sheet. And the secretary was like “You put 25 hours on there, right?” I blinked. I told her I didn’t even really start working for Dr F yet. She said to just put it on there and make up the hours some other time. So. I didn’t argue. I need the paycheck. And I’m honest enough that I’ll make up the hours.

Came home, cleaned out my car so i could help Kat move later on. Chatted with Em for a bit. Talked to Jay on the phone- he invited me to a gallery opening. Went to therapy, went to the gallery opening, went to help Kat move, got home and was preparing to finish cleaning when Jay called asking if I could take him to wally world. Of course I can. So we did that. I needed to get oil anyways. Brought him here so I could give him old notes for him to use for an installation art piece, then took him back to his house to drop off his groceries, then took him back to the sculpture studio. eef. And now I’m home. And EXHAUSTED.

Helping Kat move was….eh. She had nothing packed. And I can’t really say much about that- I’m the same way when I had to move. I waited til the last minute. But I usually got everything all shoved somewhere before the moving crew showed up. She hadn’t. So. It was just her and Wolfie and I. Thank gawd he was there. It took…hmmm…probably at least 3 trips (2 cars each trip), and then I borrowed M’s van to move the couch which wouldn’t fit in either of our cars. Thankfully she was only moving about 2 blocks away. So. And none of her stuff was heavy. And there were NO stairs to navigate. But I’m still tired, and my neck/shoulder feel like they’re on fire, as they were already achy earlier today. Now turning my head to the the left just isn’t much of an option. heh.

And the art exhibit was…profound? It was amazing. It was called “Unraveled” and the artists’ statement explained that it was kind of…the world as seen by the mentally ill. Right up my ally. heh.

So. Therapy. Yes. lah. We played a few hands of cards. I won both times, tho the first time I completely forgot the rules and was just playing randomly while J laughed. Eesh. How the heck do I make it thru school when I can’t even remember the rules to a silly card game?? I dunno.

And mostly we talked about relationships and how badly I suck at them. Well. That’s probably not what she talked about. But that’s what I was translating to myself. And she was laying out cards and was like “Who’s this?” and I’d give a name and she’d be like “and what’s your relationship like with them…” and I’d try to describe it as I saw it. Anyways. Needless to say, my descriptions weren’t exactly hunkydory pictures of life. The activity really kind of made me sad. Among other things, I guess. And I just kind of sat there with a tear randomly falling here and there, which she’d wipe away if she saw it. And then. I dunno. I just, couldn’t do it anymore. So I scooted over next to her and she gave me a hug and was saying stuff and I just. It always surprises me, how steady, steady, steady her heart is. And I just wanted to let go. Not of her, just of me. And then I realized that I couldn’t hear her heart anymore because the blood pounding in my ears was too loud because I was crying. Which generally entails a lot of not breathing, I’m not sure why. And J asked at some point, if it helped- not breathing, tightening my muscles, pulling in to myself. And, I dunno. It’s not that I think about it helping or not helping. It’s just…what I do? It probably doesn’t help, because after when I stop holding my breath and try to breathe normally, I cry harder. Or I did today.

And. It felt…ok. I mean. It felt like I would never manage to have equal and successful friendships, which made me feel a little like throwing up. but. the crying part, aside from what caused it and such. felt kind of good. and safe. too safe, maybe, in that i just wanted to keep crying, cuz it felt good to just be on the outside how i was on the inside. so when J had to kick me out, I’d just calm down for a second and then blink and the tears would be back.

and of course, last time i left her office crying (but, it was different that time. the tears made me angry at myself that time.) I ran into some random lady who tried to be a good samaritan. This time, I had to of course run into the lady who runs the dance school DB goes to, as well as teaches dance at the uni with M. And I did my best to smile and wave, tho when I got home I realized that my face was all blotchy anyways. le’sigh.

and it wears me out. my eyes still sting, and it feels like the tears are right there, trying to surge up and fall again. but i have too much to do. I have no safety, no anchor when I’m here by myself in the middle of the nite and so it doesn’t feel good, it just feels scary.

And all I want to do is go to bed, since I have to get up at dawn to get to H’s new place by 10. Ugh. WHY do I agree to these things…*sigh* I should be looking forward to this, to seeing my lil’Z, and my sister, and to be bringing her closer. Even tho she won’t be there for another 3 weeks. But. I’m just not looking forward to it. To being stuck in a car with her husband and other random boys that I don’t know, for hours on end? With a baby who apparently gets cranky when travelling. *sigh*

And I guess I could just shove all the mess into a corner, cuz M wouldn’t care (she’s taking care of the animals) but. Bleh. I’d care when I came home to corners of mess. But. Maybe not as much as I think I would. So maybe I’ll just go to bed and see if I can get up early enough to straighten up a little and if not…so what. My house, my mess. No need to impress anyone. bleh. Sad thing is, it was clean a week ago.

Beh. But I should at least pack tonite. And I need to print up directions. Wee.