pictures and emails

:o) Em and I. Kinda ditched Buss last nite and hung out with Em and Marc and Amber, and had slushies with rum. Discovered that all it takes to get me totally buzzed is a 22 oz of blueberry Sleven Slushie, and about 60cc’s of rum. Of course, drinking it with a straw on a mostly empty stomach *and* being in the mood to completely escape probably helped a little bit. But regardless. I had a wonderful time. LOL. And as I look down at my hand, I see the remnants of Em’s artwork on my hand….You are good at being my friend! she wrote. Knowing the way I sleep, the rest of it is probably on my face. Should probably shower and NOT go back to bed since it IS nearly a quarter until 2 in the afternoon. But damnit. It’s sunny out and my apartment is just the right temperature and my cd player PLAYS ALL THE WAY THRU WITHOUT SKIPPING! And ohmygawd sometimes it’s just the little things that really are the most important.

They’re so cute together. It makes me happy.

*grin* Amber and Em decided to play “Connect the dots” with Em’s freckles. She ended up with…a shark. (shhh. just play along!)

Amber didn’t have many dots. But she still got a nice tattoo!

*g* They were using a green sharpie. I’m wondering how long they’ll have their tattoos for….

After we imbibed and everyone was getting tired, we all started walking me home. haha. I was completely confused as to where we were (shhh. We’ll pretend it was the alcohol….) but thankfully Marc was sober and has a good sense of direction. I’m not sure if he found us amusing or annoying, tho I suspect the former. The three of us were walking behind him singing girl scout songs and, in general, being silly. Good times.

——
I got home last night to an email in response to a rather frustrated, confused, at a loss for what to do “end of the rope” email to J. And. It was like….chamomile tea and white bread in 15kb of ariel font. I dunno. But I know it needs to be saved for posterity, so.

(see, I had written her a longwinded AHHHH email, and the part she was mostly responding to was: i sat and tried to write. and i hung out with [m] for a while. and my music is so loud right now that i’m afraid my neighbors are going to complain, but. i can’t turn it down cuz i can’t handle my own thoughts right now. and. i guess. right now i’m just in the midst of some sort of panic-ish attack thing. or something. and. you know i even took a stupid zyprexa earlier, when i got home from [m’s] cuz i was just so anxious, over nothing.

over NOTHING.

and i just want to yell at you and make you tell me The Secret of being -better- The trick to being OK. But, I know you can’t, that there’s no such thing, no magic wand. and. that. makes me try to be angry at you. and i’m sorry. i’m not angry at you. Not…not logically, anyways? I know better. And I feel like such as ass for just saying everything in this paragraph.
—
So. What she said was:

H, The secret is snowballs. Yesterday wasn’t Nothing, it was something. You let it become Something, let the snowballs become an Avalanche. Bad things happen and they seem bigger at the end of the semester when everyone is leaving. Their not calling means a whole lot more to you than it appears it should mean on the surface.

I don’t know whether any of this means sense, but the anger, the pushing, even the anger at me is because you’re so afraid of being left behind? of losing them? of not having them?

Saying it is Nothing makes it feel even bigger than it is, because Nothing is no justification for how you feel. It is something. Grieve. Let them get close. Be sad that they’re leaving. Stay in touch. Hugs, [J]

P.S. I like [Em] too (even though she had shoes on).
—–

Wee. And Buss just called me. She sounded either down or annoyed. But we decided to go to MC for some lunch. At 230. So I should probably put clothes on and find a hat to cover my hair with. eesh.

Need to stop at the bank. Or write a check. I will write a check.