and she screams and her voice is straining

….well baby, it’s 3am and I must be lonely…

So. You wanna know how it feels when you go to chat with some friends, and you see their away messages, and they all say the same thing…that they’re at the bar…at the same bar. And yet. None of them so much as dropped you a note to say “hey, why don’t you join us??”

Even tho at least one of them was well aware that I was in the mood to go out or celebrate or drink.

Even tho it’s one of the final days before the end of the semester when they will all be leaving town and I won’t see them for 3 months.

And. I either want to be mad at them and can’t, or I am mad at them and don’t want to be. I can’t quite figure out my head right now. I guess it’s just that…ya know. They probably didn’t exclude me on -purpose- So. I can’t be mad at people for doing things unintentionally. I guess.

Yeah. I have issues with insecurity. No, I don’t expect to be included in every and all events that go on. But. For fucks sake. Am I really so invisible? Out of sight out of mind.

I *am* fucking angry that there are tears in my eyesnot falling over this. It angers me that I’m apparently so frigging fragile. That I should be bothered by this. Because it makes me feel like a bratty little sister who tries to play with her older siblings and their friends even tho it’s obvious she’s unwanted at that time.

I was really looking forward to hanging out with Buss and (maybe) Jay tomorrow night. And now, I really don’t want to. I really want to be childish and say FUCK YOU. (Maybe not to Jay, cuz I don’t even know if he’s there. He’s probably in the studio working. But ten to one, they let him know.)

But no, Echo would never do such a thing.

I’ve been trying desperately hard not to push, push, push away. I guess I didn’t have to bother trying, seeing as apparently no one is close enough to push.

*sigh*

Yes. I’m being unfair. I have friends outside of Allies. Like. 3.

I’m not meaning this to be a pity party. Cuz I don’t feel pitiful. I feel plain left out. Forgotten.

And, yes. I know they like me. I know they are my friends. But WHAT exactly does it say, when I’m never even asked/thought of when they all get together??

What-the-fuck-ever.

But yes. They’re always sure to call when things aren’t going well and they need support. So. I should be proud to be known as The Dependable One. I guess I should just be grateful that they know they can always count on me to be there when things are shitty.

Apparently Envy is the sin I’m guilty of.

…look at the stars, look how they shine for you and everything you do. Yeah they were all yellow. I came along, I wrote a song for you. And all the things you do. And it was called Yellow. So then I took my time, oh what a thing to’ve done. And it was all yellow. And your skin, oh yeah you’re skin and bones. Turn into something beautiful. And you know, you know I love you so. You know I love you so. I swam across, I jumped across for you. Oh what a thing to do. Cuz you were all yellow. I drew a line, I drew a line for you. Oh what a thing to do. And it was all yellow, yeah. And you’re skin, oh yeah you’re skin and bones. Turn into something beautiful. And you know, for you I bleed myself dry. For you I bleed myself dry……….

*slams the door*