Food.

I am contemplating going to the carnies for some food. I just slept for an hour or so, and it’s only 830pm. I definately need more sleep, but it feels good to have just at least gotten in a nap. I’d still be sleeping, except the toothache is back with a vengeance. I hate my teeth.

Anyways. I’m hungry. Which would make sense, since all I’ve eaten today was a few peanut butter cookies, a cup of coke, and some raisin toast. Hooray for anorexia. No. Not anorexia nervosa. There IS a difference. “Anorexia” is the medical term for…decreased appetite, or no appetite. “Anorexia Nervosa” is a mental disorder (?)…a mental state….where you are more purposeful in the not eating. It’s a mental thing more than a physiological thing.

Anyways. And. Of course, I have like 10 dollars in cash because when I went to EnP the other day with Em et al, I paid with my credit card and they all paid me with cash. So. I really don’t feel like getting dressed and going across the street for food. But nor do I feel like getting dressed and driving to Wally World or other foodplaces, buying stuff, and then having to cook it. *sigh*

Ok. So. I was randomly ‘complaining’ to J about needing to find somewhat more gainful employment than the psych center, since I keep getting fucked over on hours there…*rolls eyes* So anyways. She emails back and was like “have you thought about the ARC or….” and gave me the names of a few more places. The ARC is “Advocacy and Resources for Citizens with cognitive, intellectual, and developmental disabilities” (Check it out here) And the other places are like group homes and such.

heh.

Do you ever hear something, or get advice, and are completely like Why the hell didn’t I think of that before???. Cuz after she mentioned them and I thought about it for half of a second, I thought that DUH! I’d love to work in that kind of place/in that kind of field. And, would probably be relatively good at it. I mean, I know I already do work in the field, to a point, at the psych center. But. Not really….it’s just a holding tank. Plus, it’s not hands on much, for me, since I work night shift. Granted, I think with some of the homes, there is night shift work, which would actually be kind of awesome too even though it wouldn’t be as hands on either. But, as much as it fucks up my circadian rhythm, I do like night shift. Not to mention that at some point I’ll be working for Dr F and I have NO idea when or what hours she’ll want me to do stuff, so I need to keep that in mind.

And. While I understand that I will never escape evil corporatism and will always have to deal with the fact that eventually up the line, people are in it for money….it would be nice to have a break away from the horrible fucked up politics and unethicality (inethicness? unethical practises…) of the psych center.

But. yeah. To work with a more MR population…I would enjoy that. heh. Not to be crass but….when I worked at the summer playground job in high school, I worked at the one playground that was for MR/special needs ‘kids’ (most of them were older than me, by a lot) and, while it was a really emotionally draining job, I did really enjoy it and I think I really got a lot of satisfaction out of it. I mean. We didn’t really *do* anything much. But. Even a trip up to the basketball court at the entrance to the park was like a field trip for them. And taking them bowling was….lol….gawd, the pure joy that such ‘normal’ everyday things brought them. I’m certainly not saying that it’s easy to have Downs syndrome or any of the other disorders/issues they had but…they really were like children, with all of the wonderful childlike qualities- finding joy and beauty in the smallest, oddest things. Stubborn. Easily amused. Willful. Innocent(ish). I remember the one day, when R and one of the girls wandered off and we couldn’t find them. Finally we found them in one of the big metal cylinder things on the playground, kissing and stuff.

So. We had to have “The Talk.” I mean….not in depth, but we did have to discuss it because even tho they were adults- both of them at least 23 or 25- they weren’t allowed to engage in such activities while under our care. And we had to explain to them why. (We all- the staff- cried a WHOLE lot at the end of that day. Because really, they were adults and they knew of things, but never experienced them…they were actually doing something completely normal, and we had to almost scold them for it…) R got SO mad, SO frustrated.

There was an element of fear in that job, too. Because although they had the minds of children, they certainly had the bodies and strength of full grown adults. And very little restraint when angry. R got especially scary because he was *big* and had a quick temper. lah.

Anyways. My point of that…the crass part….is that the 3 other staff and I, at the end of the day would all just kind of sit there in a daze. Because it was mentally and physically exhausting. But. As we said “we love our retards!!!” And we meant it, and we didn’t mean it deragatorilly, even tho the word is now un-PC probably.

But. Yeah. I loved that job. I guess I just kind of find it really good for my soul. Cuz…they tell it like it is, they don’t lie (well, they do. But. Not in the same way. Not in the way that some people lie just to hurt someone else), and when they shower you with kind words or gratitude, it’s genuine. (And yes, I realize that MR people can have the same horrible qualities and ugly personalities. But. I guess I’m prejudiced in that, it doesn’t bother me as much from people who are mentally challenged.)

I did hate that every time I would talk about the job- just as when I talk about working with kids so much- people are always like “Wow! I don’t know how you can do that. It really takes a special kind of person. I couldn’t do that!” Why not? I do understand that there are people who can’t. People who can’t stand working with infants or toddlers. Just as I really have a difficult time working with geriatric patients and high school kids….but. I don’t need praise for what I did. I guess I just don’t handle praise very well anyways.

But. It was balanced out by the ‘kids” attitudes….*they* didn’t think we were anything special. To them we were just the playground staff. And, that’s not to say that they didn’t like us and stuff or that they didn’t say thank you and appreciate in their own way, what we did with/for them…but….to them, it just just kind of our job, ya know? It wasn’t any extraordinary feat or heroic measure. They weren’t like “Wow! It sure takes a special person to work with us!” They took us, in a way, for granted. And. I think I kind of liked that?

In other jobs….I sometimes get really inwardly upset when I’m always taken for granted. Maybe because in some way, I somehow expect people around me to notice how hard I work, how conscientious I am, how I value ethics and treating people with respect. So when no one notices, it’s like no one really cares or pays attention. And I guess it’s because I have to sort of look for ‘approval’ or whatnot from coworkers and bosses and such. But working with MR kids and kids in general…I don’t need anything much from coworkers or bosses, because the work itself is really rewarding enough?
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I’m not sure what I’m trying to say.

Except that, I do love my retards. :op

And I am hungry. bleh. I should NOT go spend money on overpriced, not-entirely healthy food. My bank account is going to eat me alive soon. *sigh*

Actually, even tho it’s only 930 now, it looks as if all the food places are mostly closed up for the nite. :o) I’m good at procrastinating until the decision is made for me.

I decided to have an Instant Lunch ramen noodle thing. Even tho I just read the ingredients and realized it’s not vegetarian. :o/

It is however, bought and paid for and thus, the damage is already done. I am a little unsettled, however, to consume a product that has “cooked powdered chicken” and “chicken fat” in it. I mean…ew?! do you think they cook the chicken and THEN powder it, or powder it then COOK it?…..