wasteofspace

That’s about how I feel right now. :o/

I went over to campus to gather up the ALLIES table stuff since all things ALLIES are now being stored at my house (makes more sense, since everyone else moves back and forth every semester and I’m more…stable…eheh. Wow. I love irony.) And then I needed to get my paycheck, but Diana wasn’t in, so I went to the petstore and got crickets and did NOT buy any anoles, although they were extremely healthy and active for a change. I wish I had the proper lid for my tank so I could put -something- in it. le’sigh. Not that I can afford somethings, or food for somethings. But, still. And I dropped off Boys Don’t Cry at the video place so Ken doesn’t get an overdue fee on his card. That movie was difficult to watch. But I enjoyed it. Tho. I think it, in part, is contributing to my spiral right now.

Anyways. So, after dropping the crickets off at my house (didn’t want them to fry in the car. Nothing smells quite as disgusting as dead crickets) I went -back- to campus to see if Diana was in, she still wasn’t, so I went upstairs to wait for her. I was half wishing J would be around and half really wishing that she wouldn’t be.

I kinda sent her an email last nite that was one of those ones I wanted to take back as soon as I hit Send. eheh. *shrugs* Just. That ugly secret I was discussing a few weeks ago…yeah. Well. Not a secret anymore. So. I wasn’t entirely looking forward to facing her cuz I didn’t want like…yelled at or…something. Not that I can actually imagine her yelling at me, but. I didn’t want to see shame or more likely disgust on her face because of what I told her. So. But on the other hand, I definately wanted a hug or ten. And I had to ask her stuff about webpages and such. lah.

But, regardless. She wasn’t there either, so I plopped down to check the Allies email account in the random room upstairs while I waited for Diana to come back so I could get my paycheck. Well, so I’m sitting and suddenly I hear Echo!!! Just the person I needed to talk to!!! being…bellowed? 🙂 down the hall. It was Doc P wanting to talk to me something about Allies, and J was with him. lah. So, I talked with him for a bit and then went and got my paycheck and then finished up with Allies stuff and was contemplating going over to J’s office and asking her my web-questions and for a hug. And I decided I’d ask my question and leave especially since it’s that end-of-semester kinda crunch time and it annoys me when I bother her while she’s working.

So. I asked my question and she answered. And asked if I wanted a hug and I broke down and said Yes, but then of course that just…I dunno. Anyways. She asked me if I had gotten her responses to my emails, and I had. Way led on to way and I ended up sitting down and talking/hyperventilating/dissociating/not breathing/etc for the next half hour or 45 minutes or something. We talked about ptsd and things, and the lecture I went to yesterday (she had gone too) and stuff.

And she said, ya know, that my reaction (aka, the stuff I told her in the email) seemed perfectly normal to her. She said it several times. And while I did hear her…it wouldn’t process. And she kept wanting me to look at her and I tried but. My eyes wouldn’t, they refused to stay focused no matter how hard I bit my lip and willed myself to just look. eheh. J kinda laughed at one point and was like “You can watch a vaginal piercing, but you can’t look at my face? I see now where I place on your anxiety scale…” eheh. Yeah. Well. The opinions and/or reactions of Buss’ cooter towards me aren’t near as important at whatever opinions and/or reactions I might encounter in J’s expression.

I got so fruatrated at myself. Cuz. Talking about it didn’t help. Not talking about it didn’t help. I couldn’t figure out -what- would help. And I couldn’t not think about it. Like trying to get out of tar. It’s just sticky and messy and inescapable.

and i’ve just hit the wall again. no more talking about it. not right now.