Emotionalitynessingly-like.

Perhaps it’s the weather, or having a good therapy session, or time with M and Homie or getting some of my work done. (Yes, probably all of them in some combination or another) But, I’m in an exceptionally good and/or calm mood.

I was reading my newborn/maternal nursing book and decided to take a break. And I walked in to my kitchen and saw the 2 kitty dishes side by side, half full each, on their pretty little placemat, next to their water cooler thinger and I just felt…at home. And kind of…peaceful. lah.

Earlier during another break in my studies, I had meant to go to the uni and run some errands and then go to the pet store and get crickets, but I forgot the petstore part. I went to check Allies’ mailbox to see if our space request had gone thru yet for our Transgender Awareness panel we’re doing next week, as I put it in on the 22nd of March and the Events people said they were just waiting on the Auditorium manager guy to clear it. *rolls eyes* So, after being fed up and not getting a response, I tracked him (or at least, a student assistant of his) down and asked her what the what was. And she dug thru his little pile and found that he had approved it. Oi vey. That puts my mind at ease about that. Although I still have to bother him and figure out if he can supply a few mics, because we’re thinking the crowd might be way bigger than last semester. Fun. Or maybe it won’t be. But we’ve done a lot more publicity/outreach stuff. Or. I have, at least. *sigh* I kind of feel like I’m the only one really -doing- anything with it. But. I guess if you want something to happen, you have to do it yourself sometimes. It just makes me sad, there’s such a lack of interest around here. blah.

Anyways. I did that and then went over to the English dept because they were having a book sale. Turns out Jenn and Emily and Adelina were all there, they’re fun. So I talked to them a while. Jenn was getting on my nerves. I am going to a poetry reading in the city on Friday. I have to go anyways, to the city, to try and get resources for our transgender table and such. So, I asked if she wanted to go with me. And she was like “Well, yeah. But Dr T said something about meeting up for dinner and stuff and I have NO money…” And I was like, yeah, I know. I’ll cover for you. (not that I have money. But I have a credit card. eheh.) and she went on her “no I don’t accept things from people because people are too nice to me and I can’t ever repay them…” Whatever. Normally her schpeal doesn’t bother me, but it crossed over the border into some sort of martyrdom. So I was like “Stop being like that. It’s just as bad to not accept ANYthing that someone offers, when they really want to give it. It’s kind of rude, ya know?” And we went ’round on it for a while and then went on to other things. Anyways. I came home to an IM from her saying that she guessed she wasn’t going to win this one. And I told her, no, she wasn’t. And she went on to say something about not wanting to be a moocher all of the time. And I told her it’s NOT mooching if someone offers. It’s only mooching if you hang around and continue to be a leech. At least she agreed on that.

I dunno. It just…irks me. Even tho I probably do the same things sometimes. But it’s like…when someone offers you a compliment…being like “Well DUH, of COURSE I’m wonderful…” is as bad as being completely self-deprecating and continue to argue and argue and argue that you’re not any good. To me, that feels like…fishing for more, ya know? Like…keep arguing so the other person will keep saying “yes, yes you ARE wonderful…”

Of course, I’m probably being completely hypocritical. Although I do handle compliments fairly well, for the most part. I say thank you and I go on my way, even if I don’t believe in my head that it’s true. *shrugs* Anyways.

There’s a lovely breeze blowing thru the apartment. I wish it would stay like this for a few weeks. But it’s to be in the 30s again soon, I heard. le’sigh.

Heh. Another thing I did while taking a study break (yeah, sometimes my time spent breaking is more than my time spent studying. But it’s better than not studying at all…) was decide to put dirt in the absolutely fucking brilliant planter that I got at the Ceramics Sale earlier in the semester. I’m not sure why. A couple of days ago, I moved the planter from its space under my potted plants and tried to hang it on the backdoor curtain rod, to see if it was sturdy enough to hold it. And it seemed to be. So I left it there. With pills underneath, just in case it suddenly broke!

And today I was watering my plants, and my spider plant…well. I’m the only person in the world who can’t grow a frikkin spider plant!! I mean, geeeez. (I think it has something to do with the quality of my tap water, which seems to turn the soil into a giant chunk of mineral. Which isn’t good for the plant.) So. The spider plant was looking a little…peaked? And I thought this planter would be wonderful for it, cuz it’s like…got little side holes and stuff? So if, by chance, the plant might actually grow and do the spider thing, I could transplant some into the little holes and have a neat plant. Or, I could put some of the viney-stuff in the holes and that would be neat too. (Yeah. I can’t grow a spider plant in a wonderfully sunny apartment, yet J has these viney plants in her office that gets NOOOO sunlight, that grow like wildfire. Insane. :op It just confirms my belief that she’s just one big ball of postiveenergynurturestuff. hehe.) So. I planted the plant and it’s hanging on the back door. (One of the other reasons I hadn’t planted it yet – there’s really nowhere to -hang- it, without putting a giant hole in the ceiling, which would probably irk the landlord…)

Ok. I really need to get back to reading. Cuz. Well, I have many many more pages to read for that. Not to mention 4 chapters of pharm (that aren’t going to get read tonite. The exam isn’t until the 21, whereas the process exam is the 11th. And another on the 25th. EEEEEEK) AND I have to write a “Lines to Myself” poem for class. !!!!!!! JL Conrad will be here tomorrow! My current infatuation.

Oh. Yeah. Anyways, so too, I am reading this maternal/newborn book. And we watched lots of birth-movies in class on Tuesday. And NO, I still have absolutely NO desire (even LESS than NO desire) to have a baby. At least. No desire to *birth* a baby. But. 2 things. First, one of the first things I thought as I was watching that was “wow. M did that. And J. And my sister. And even my mum (tho she didn’t birth me).” And. Well. I think that kind of amazed and touched me more than all the testimonials of how awesome an experience it is (and, watching it on video, although perhaps not as amazing as witnessing it live, was pretty damn amazing. Which, I’m surprised, as I was figuring that I wouldn’t find it all that interesting. But. Interesting or not, still looks like it hurts a whole helluva lot.). Just realizing that these women in my life actually went thru that, and did that. And I know my sister had drugs and such – not sure about my mum, but I’m pretty positive that M didn’t. I dunno. I feel more…uh…grown-up…more, dare I say, like a…woman (nope, the word STILL doesn’t fit me. But. Perhaps a little more…adult…) after watching that, and making those connections.

And secondly, (is that a word??) sitting there reading this book as it talks about how the woman should be sure to talk to her husband/partner about her feelings and concerns and how the partner needs to be especially sensitive to her needs especially towards the end of the pregnancy. And for the first time, I thought….hey, I’d be good at that. I want to do that- be supportive and understanding and stuff. So. Apparently I’m ok with my SO (not that I’ll ever FIND one le’sigh) doing the baby-thing. I’ll just be the supportive one. Heh. I know, not all that surprising. pltzzz.

Ok, ok. Time to stop procrastinating again….(it’s so much easier to go back to this reading than it was for GI. Thank gawd)

But, some pictures first….

My plant/er- isn’t that pottery amazing? Hand made. I loved the colours and the shape. It just called to me when I saw it. Wee.

hehe. Pandora squishing herself into the box that all the presents Tiger sent me came in. I keep meaning to throw the thing away, but I can’t bring myself to do it, cuz she loves holing up in it, even tho her whole body doesn’t even begin to fit comfortably in it.

Journey. And she wasn’t even *stretching* That was just how she was laying/sleeping. Do all cats lounge in such weird positions as my cats seem to??

I think I was babbling about a wonderful sunrise the other day, and this is it- tho the colours aren’t as brilliant because my camera batteries were dying. It’s still beautiful. And you can see the fog in the valleys of the mountains, cuz it hadn’t been burnt off by the sun yet. Mmmm. One of my all time favourite things about my dorm room when I lived on campus was looking out my window and seeing the fog hanging in the valley. It made the world seem so surreal, as if I were in a castle in the sky. (not..uh…not that I’d describe the dorms as castles. Although they were musty and made of concrete/stones) hehe.

To work.