Things in Threes

Therapy went well today. (1) And as I was walking to J’s office from poetry class, M was passing me by, shouting out the window at me that she had a gift for me and to stop by later, so I did and we chatted for a bit and it was very reminiscent of how life used to be (2)

I just got off the phone with Homie. (3) We’re going to go have breakfast tomorrow morning. Don’t really want to get up at 830 on my day off, but she’s worth it. She’s marrying psychoboy, apparently, and when he is done with school, they’re moving south. It was very difficult to keep the lump out of my throat when she told me that. *sigh* But she understands that I don’t like him, so. *sigh*

Not so good at keeping the lump out right now. It’s not fair. We had pretty much an instant connection and now….she’s leaving. Yes. I’m jealous. Damn jealous. Which probably contributes to my hatred for the guy. (Tho, to my credit, I hated him even before, so.) It makes me weary, to think of someone else leaving my life. It makes me want to curl up in bed and just stop caring. It’s…in a sense, it’s like getting my heart broken. Not that I think of her in ‘that’ way, as in romantically. But yeah, I love the girl even if I can’t let myself realize it, like I love M and Jay. But it squeezes the breath out of my chest when I think about it, knowing that she’s leaving.

On campus clinical today was interesting. Got to see babies being born (on video). Definate birth control. blech. I mean, yes, I realize more now that it is really an amazing and uh…beautiful…thing. But STILL. There’s just something not right about trying to shove a thing that big out of a thing so small. They even showed some episiotomies (where they cut the perineum in order to make a larger space for the baby to come out.) And at first i was like WHY???? But then I realized, if they don’t cut it, and they also don’t manually stretch or massage it or whatnot, that it’s prolly gonna tear anyways which would be more painful and more difficult to fix and take longer to heal. So. But still. Ouch. I am excited tho, and hope that I get to see a live birth while at Clinical, tho since we’re only there for three days, it might be kind of unlikely :o(

Ugh. It’s Spring again (at least for today :oP) And my windows are open, but my apt is still stuffy since it’s so dirty. Blech. Desperately need to do laundry again. Maybe Sunday.

Wow. I definately have an exam on Monday. Fuck. I am going to go read the chapters when I finish this. Although I guess I need to do my pharm homework too/first. It’s a good thing I’m getting up to go to breakfast with Homie, cuz at least that way, I’ll be up and hopefully STAY up and do work. lah.

So. Therapy. I was quite babble-y to begin with. We talked a bit about the nursing prog and stuff. Then breathed a little. My homework is to breath. Eheh. No. But. To just, ya know, every now and then just do the in-1-2-3-out-1-2-3 dealio. And try to tie it into something else, like J’s ex was to like, do it before I started my car. And then maybe again before I got out and stuff. The goal being that it becomes habit, so when I start getting anxious and stuff, I will be able to do that and kind of de-escalate myself. Which. Is a good theory. And I will try it. Just, sometimes, like even today while we were doing it in her office, once I try to just focus on breathing, it opens up the door for a lot of things that I was trying not to think about to come rushing in. Which is, ya know, ok in the office. But gets kind of scary and anxiety producing in and of itself when I’m alone. So for now I’m going to try to practice when I’m -not- alone, and see how that works out. Or at least, like. Like before I get out of my car if I’m heading in to class or the store or something. And before I start the car would maybe work too, cuz I’ve actually gotten pretty good at getting into a mostly neutral zone while I’m driving. heh. I’ll be driving home from the other campus and all of a sudden think to myself “wow. I’ve been driving for 20 minutes, just humming along to the radio and letting thoughts drift in and out of my head without getting worked up, or even really noticing them…” So. That’s good. At least it means I’m capable. If not exactly able to do so on command. lah.

I’m making french fries for supper. M invited me to stay, but they were having chicken dumplings and such, and I really needed to come home and start my homework or I woulda stayed over there for hours. I think I would cook a lot more often if I didn’t keep all the pans and stuff *in* the oven. Cuz then to cook, it requires taking them all out. Stacking them somewhere. Cooking. Waiting for the oven to cool. And then putting them all back which is just too much! eheh. So. I think I will, at some point, clean out the cabinet next to the stove which currently holds a blender (still in the box), a crockpot (still in a box) and a George Foreman grill, which I also keep meaning to use. Oh, and that’s where I keep the cat food too. My kitchen needs rearranged. eheh. But I WILL NOT DO THAT TONITE. I will STUDY. And DO HOMEWORK.

Because I MUST pass this course. I must. I have to.

lol. J and I were talking about nursing school and she asked me how much longer I had, and I told her – 2 semesters. *grin* I think she was kinda surprised! But. Yeah. Time flies.

OOOH! The present M got me!!! An awesome keychain. It’s green with like, a green stone/fimo thing (It looks like a stone, but it also looks as if it’s got fimo designs in it! It’s so kewl) yay!

Ok. Time to put the fries in and start my work. Oi.