i dare you to breathe

I want…..to hurt myself. Pretty intensely. I’m hoping that by writing, I won’t do that.

One of my friends thinks she may be pregnant. Well, I asked her if she was and she said “Let’s just say I’m seeking a second opinion.”

I’m angry about it. It’s not my life, but I’m angry. I’m not even angry at her. I want to go over there and hug her and talk with her like I used to. But she’s distant now. At least from me. And for some reason, all I can think of is how impossible it would be to make any kind of decision….abortion, adoption, keeping it. And how I would feel if I had been Gloria, leaving me at the hospital. I don’t think I could. I don’t think I could walk away. I’m not that strong.

And I want to tell her that there’s no way she can keep and raise a child, not at this point in her life. But I don’t know that. People do it all of the time. And it’s not my place to say it anyways.

And I’m so afraid that she will be gone from me. She’s already half gone.

Too much hurt today. Too much failing. Just too much. And I wish I had taken J’s advice and put those razors in an envelope and slid them under her door.

But there’s just too much hurt. I can’t hold it all. And I called J and we talked for about 10 minutes. And then I hung up and started crying, again. Only it’s not even fucking CRYING. It’s just…leaking. I just want to burst. I just need to. But I can’t.

And Buss said she was going to come over. She’s had a shitty day too. Found out that one of her English friends (she lived over there for a few months) tried to kill themselves a while back, so she’s really upset about that.

I feel sick to my stomach. When it rains it pours, in my life. And I had a lovely dinner with M and E and RB. And it felt so good to have him bouncing beside me, leaning on me. Licking me on occasion. eheh. And then M and I went to Wally World and I was feeling ok. Or at least, ignoring the fear and stuff about school.

But then I got home, and

AND WHAT THE FUCKKKK>?>??? My CAR INSURANCE people just called me. It’s 9oclock in the goddamn evening.

I’m boiling. I’m boiling but my lid is stuck on. THe steam has to escape somewhere.

I just can’t….do this. ya know? I can’t live at the extremes. I can’t cope with these with all of this all at one time like it always happens.

buss is here.

Dare you to Move -switchfoot-

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone’s here
Everyone’s here
Everybody’s watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next?
What happens next?

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
The tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself
Lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened before