Be calm and collected, peace is a virtue.

I feel ill. Every time I eat, I get naseaous. I ate a baked potato around 4, and my stomach is gurgling and churning. I called off work tonite because I’m….irritated. Have you ever seen an angry dog backed into the corner, with their fur all bristled and their teeth all growly, just daring someone to get their fingers too close, so they can take a snap at them?

That’s pretty much how I feel. Disgusting in my own skin. I wish I could be like a baked potato, that someone could just squeeze me and all the insides would come spewing out. I dunno.

I got a 49/50 on that pharm exam I took 2 weeks ago. Actually I got a 46, but there were 3 bonus questions each worth one point. (And they were almost more difficult than the test questions, because each bonus question had like, four parts and stuff. But I got them all correct.) So. Got an A on that. I’m surprised, as I didn’t study enough and didn’t think I would do that well. But apparently everyone did rather well and nobody failed. Yay us.

Had an Allies meeting tonite. It’s always the same people who come. All like, 8 of us. And 2 of the regs weren’t even there tonite, including Jay. He’s away at a conference. For some reason, I feel like it’s -my- fault that attendance is so poor. I know that that is ridiculous. I dunno.

One of my friends is making what I think are bad decisions. But…I dunno. Sometimes they’re just so….it’s like classic….like we both sit there and point to things in her childhood that probably lead to the bad choices. I’m angry about it. Not at her. Not that she made the choices. Just….I don’t even know. I don’t see it exactly as a true choice, ya know? It is, but it isn’t…I guess. Like cutting…yeah, it’s a choice. But sometimes it just doesn’t feel like a choice. It doesn’t feel like there’s any other option.

It makes me sad, because I care so deeply about her (which scares me, actually. Caring is creepy) and I can see she gets frustrated at herself over some of her choices.

But on the other hand…it’s just not something I understand. sexstuff baffles me and also frightens me. I dunno. I want him to go away. I don’t want her to feel the need to sleep with him just because he is charming and says nice things. And I don’t know why I’m so angry over it. She’s a big girl, it’s her life. Maybe he is sweet and charming. But I don’t honestly believe that he is sincere.

J is right. I need to just let it go. I just need to ignore the thoughts and feelings that make me think he’s going to hurt her. She can take care of herself. It’s just….if it were any other guy, ya know?

let.it.go.

I don’t know why I feel as if I can’t breathe tonite. Why every little thing is irritating me.

My poetry professor asked me today if I was going to try for a scholarship to go to Chautauqua…a four day writer’s festival/ conference/ workshop thing in June. I thought about it when he mentioned it in class and really, really wanted to go. But then I remembered that I’m a Nursing Student and not a Writer. And I figured I shouldn’t try to get a scholarship from the english dept which might take away from an actual English major. But I went into Dr T’s office today to hand in some stuff and he asked me again if I was going to submit stuff for the conference. I brought up my money issues and academic concerns and he said it’s all about writing, not about being an english major or whatever, and he asked if I wanted to further my writing which….I suppose I always do. And he was like “Well, there you go…” So I got a brochure from him and I’m thinking about submitting some stuff. Which, of course, is NO garauntee that I’ll be granted a scholarship. Which means dealing with almost-certain rejection, since I’m SURE there are far superior writers in the actual department than me. So. I dunno. But Faith Adiele will be there.

Oooh!!! Yay!!! Marie just called me. (She’s one of the transgendered (Actually I think she’s transsexual. but. I’m confused as to the difference…) people who are gonna come up here for a panel. Her voice is like chocolate. *grin*) Now I can put in the space requests and whatnot. YAAAY.

Ok. Gonna go try to simmer down now.