Anonymity

why did you look for her in the first place? what were your expectations? and now, are you disappointed?

Why don’t you sign your notes? What’s your purpose? Why do you not want me to know who you are? Do you think your questions annoy, offend, or otherwise bother me? Cuz, ya know, it’s hard to read one’s intentions on a computer screen. They could be innocent random questions, or they could be aimed at sensitive bits. Either way, you should know that it’s generally only the people who I know who can hurt me the most. Not annonymous random passer-by’s/ 🙂

However, your questions are interesting, and thus, short answers, because 1. it’s late and I’m tired and 2. I’m putting a time limit on my Thinking as far as Gloria is concerned, for now.

Why did I look for her in the first place? Because I wanted medical information. That was the initial intent. Because I’ve had thyroid problems and at that point mum told me that some aunt or other had also had thyroid problems. And sometimes I just get sick of writing “Adopted, History Unknown” on every page of those damn physical forms. Of course, as I searched and got more in to the search process, my intentions morphed somewhat. As I started piecing together lives of people I’d never met (who, it turned out, were of no relation that I’m aware of), I started thinking more about who she was, about where I came from, about the WHY of the adoption.

My expectations…that’s a tough one. I purposely didn’t set expectations. I had never been one of those kids who daydreamed up the perfect Biological Family. As a child, I was quite content with the family I had. Sure, there were the occasional times when, if I was especially angry with mum. I would entertain the idea of a mother who never yelled at me. But the thoughts rarely lasted for more than a few minutes. And I have no recollection of guilt, but I’d venture to guess that if I *did* think of someone else as my mother, the guilt probably nixed them. *shrugs* Anyway. I had no Castle in The Sky in mind. So as an adult (technically) searching, I kept in mind that I could find anything from a corpse to a queen. Tho I think I probably would’ve bet closer to corpse, just cuz I tend(ed) to be pessimistic. I think my expectations were that I’d not find her. People search for years for siblings, parents, etc and never get any closer than when they started. Me? 6 months, start to finish. I certainly wasn’t expecting such results so quickly and was very unprepared (tho, no matter how long I’d searched, I don’t think I would’ve ever been truely prepared. It’s just the nature of the thing.)

Am I disappointed now? No. I don’t think disappointment is the right word for it. Anxious over it, sometimes. Frustrated, perhaps. Maybe I did expect a little bit of a sense of closure. And, while I have learned about pieces of my past that I never thought I’d know…is there ever a point when it can be enough? Can you ever get back the decades lost? Of course not. But. It’s difficult for me to start in the middle of things. And so, no. The situation between Gloria and I isn’t ideal for me right now. I’d like it if I at least had an address for her where I could send a letter if I wanted. Or I’d like a letter from her on occasion.

But. I was the one who barged in on her life and so I’m not going to push. I’m going to (try to) accept whatever happens. I’ll try to be grateful for the things I get and not lament the things I never learn. Her current circumstances are even shakier than mine, and I’m betting we share some emotional Issues, which means I think she’s probably about as good at reaching out as I am. And. I mean. Come one. Imagine, if you already have trouble reaching out…trying to reach out to your child who you feel you dissapointed or let down or whatever by placing her for adoption, trying to reach out to someone you don’t even barely know (but should…in a way)…I certainly place no blame on her for not writing or calling more often. Hell no. Do I wish circumstances were different? Of course. The grass is always greener…

At any rate. No more about this right now. As J says…Part of staying on track is recognizing when you want to go on, but that it might not be good for you to do it then.

What would be good for me right now would be bed, as I’m exhausted!

And. Apparently everyone around me is falling ill to the flu. Eeek! Don’t wanna catch it. Already had a stomach virus once this season. I make it a rule to never throw up more than once a year. :op