November 6, 2002

Previous: You are not who I thought you’d be…

Virtual Reality

Last weekend, I did something that I thought only madmen (or women) did. I broke all the boundaries that I ever set up for myself online. I blurred the edges of my computer screen out into real life. And you know what? I had an absolutely brilliant time.

I met up with an Open Diarist. (is that the right term? An OD-er? An Open Diary-er? Well anyway) Hope and I met up in London, went to a pub and had a drink.

I had vaguely wondered what it would be like. Jack went off to play in his football match and squeezed my hand before he left, “you will be careful, won’t you?”
“Of course I will!” I trilled at him, “But I know Hope, it’s not like I’m meeting up with a stranger!”
“How do you know that you know her?” Jack continued.
This had me floored for a moment. It was obvious that a breezy, ‘I just do’ wasn’t going to cut it. It was also obvious from my pause that a breezy ‘I just do’ was the sum of all my reassuring conversational gambits at that point. I improvised,
“We-ell…. I’ve been reading her diary for a while. She was on freeopendiary, called Fred. And I’ve probably been reading about her life for about a year and a half. Which would be a long time for even your average psychopath to sustain a fictional alter ego. And she’s posted photos. Which obviously could be photos of anyone. But she’s posted more than one photo, in different situations, which ….erm… which would be harder to fake. Wouldn’t it? And we’ve exchanged emails….” I trailed off. The total sum of my knowledge that Hope was not an axe murderer was in fact, nothing more or less than a kind of a vague feeling that she wasn’t.

But I risked it. (and, hell, Jack wasn’t exactly concerned enough not to go and play football, so if my dismembered remains were even now being strewn by the wind all over Notting Hill then it would be his fault too, wouldn’t it?) And I went. And I have to say, if I can sacrifice melodrama to reality for a moment, that my main worry as I sat on the Hammersmith and City Line was not whether I could remember self-defence, but rather more what we might have to say to each other.

Because what do you say to someone who you know but don’t know? There are things to say to various genres of people. I have an entire range of bland non-sequiteurs to exchange with people I don’t know and don’t want to offend. I have an entire range of in-jokes and silly remarks to exchange with friends I know well. But what about someone who fell squarely in between? What about someone entirely different: someone whose life I knew at once everything and nothing about? Because although I’ve been reading about Hope’s life for months and months, and feel as though I know her very well… I am only ever seeing her through her own eyes, which is very different to how we interact with anyone we ever meet face to face.I was on my way to meet someone who was at once a complete stranger and already a friend.

And I discovered something important.

I think about things too much.

We had a brilliant time. Well, since she is probably reading, I’d best offer her a chance to differ, and replace that sentence with something incontravertible. I had a brilliant time. We talked and talked. I went to meet her at 3pm, thinking I’d stay for an hour or two, and somehow I didn’t get home until around 8pm. We jumped conversational topics without pausing for breath, skipping with abandon from Open Diary acquaintances to family, friends, and anything else along the way. We talked the hind legs off several donkeys, and as we moved onto our third drink each, started to talk the front legs off as well. It didn’t matter how well we knew each other, or whether we’d met before. It didn’t matter that I kept wanting to call her ‘Fred’ and it didn’t matter that we had to keep glossing the real names of the family and friends we have described under pseudonyms. I thought (and again, Hope, feel free to jump in and disagree!) that we got on really well and I had a whale of a time.

Which just goes to show. I didn’t start this diary intending to make friends. I didn’t start this diary thinking that I would strike up acquaintances with people all over the world and laugh and cry with them. I didn’t start this diary thinking that I would ever even let anyone online know my Christian name. But I did. And sometimes it’s good to let your guard down.

Perhaps I’ll see you all soon,
with love,
therumtumtugger
xxx

You are so lucky. I have one OD friend that I have had since the beginning of OD (wow… 4 years now) and we still haven’t had the courage to meet. I think that the fact that I am a married woman and he is a man has something to do with it, although it has never had anything beyond friendship. Also… we live SO far apart. But he’s threatening to come to my babyshower…so we may meet yet

Andel

November 7, 2002

I’ve only met one ODer in real life. (and she’s such a tiny thing she couldn’t have done me much damage if she’d wanted) I have two other OD friends I really want to meet, though–one I’ve “known” for four years and the other for just two. Isn’t it hard to explain to people how you “know” people online? Because really, it sounds so bizarre. I’m glad you had fun!!

Fred

It was fun!!! (I didn’t tell you but I’d told D I’d only be an hour! I hadn’t realized it was so long, yet still there were lots of other things I wanted to ask you about if we hadn’t been so busy chatting). Anyway, glad to have dispelled your fears — as time goes on I become less concerned about anonymity and stigma. Here’s to a whole new OD world for you! ps how’s the novel?

TheMoor

*The Moor thinks to himself how this incident will now make it easy for him to organise a meeting and kidnap RTT! ;-)* Its interesting you set those boundaries. Initially, I was fearful of losing my anonymity but now I am kind of open. I had an idea last year to have an OD meetup but I never got round to mooting it. I have copied extracts of the diary to those IRL but never met somebody

from OD (btw, I use the term OD-er to describe somebody on OD). btw, who do you know from OD that is from a weird (foreign) place? I know a couple maybe we should discuss this via e-mail.

ratherbesleeping

Yes, that “How do you know you know *insert name here*?” question is always really difficult to answer. But.. the “I just do!” is the best and most honest answer of all. I’m glad you had a good time. I’m meeting a couple of OD people soon, and I really cannot wait 🙂 xxx

Solitude

My husband was very worried when I met an OD-er, too. Especially since I actually went to stay at her house when I was taking him to the airport once. It is definitely very strange to find the two worlds blurring together, as you said. I never thought I’d do it either, but now there are so many people that I would like to meet if I could. Some of them I feel I already HAVE met.

Thank you for your note 😉 Sorry to confuse you with my cryptic entries about on going drama – no need to tiptoe! And if I ever have my girlie OD night in. consider yourself invited 🙂

Ceylon Sapphire

November 8, 2002

one of my best friends in this city is from OD-land! And I have several snail mail, telelphone friends also. Im so glad you took that step of faith and that the meeting went well.

perfect circle

having now met eight OD-ers (a couple of whom don’t write anymore), I can honestly say it has been a great experience every time – I’m glad that you and Hope had such a great time

BeakerUK

You know, after the ‘orrid week I have had, and face next week, it is really nice to read something like that!! I am so pleased you both had a good time – friends are precious, no matter how we come across them!

it’s not as scary as you might think, is it? 😉

MargUK

November 17, 2002

It’s great it turned out so good! I’ve often wondered what it would be like because as you say we’re looking at their lives through their eyes not our own – I think it would take me a lot of courage to find out if I ever had the chance but I certainly haven’t heard of any negative experience from people who have done it. (But then I suppose they wouldn’t post that would they??!!).

November 18, 2002

ryn I forgot all about the D connection — I told him and he said, “no we’re not related” and I said yes, you are, remember when xxx, your step father said ….. and he said, “hang on.. is it with one el” and I said yes, and bingo. Though he didn’t know how. that should have been included in my latest entry as you rightly pointed out.

Rosa

ryn lol yeah I should try saying what I really feel! I am sure it does the world of good! LOL

Kimio

I’m glad you had a lovely time! There are several I’d love to meet but who knows….kudos to you for doing it, rtt!

*Blame Donut that I am here* The biggest fear I always have of meeting strangers from the web (not that I do often) is remembering what they look like. I even had that when Tracy first came over to visit, and I stayed at her house for about a week.

ryn: email me with your request for a reader’s p/w again. i tend to forget these things 😉 descant@bu.edu