Sitting Still

Thank you for the congrats on the last entry. To say it was a bit of a shock is probably an understatement. We really thought we were going to have to start the fertility treatment this time. I’m OK, still exhausted (not helped by Zoe waking up for 2/3 hours the last couple of nights and wriggling in our bed for a lot of that time) and hungry almost all the time (ice cream is good atm), but a lot of the time, I could almost convince myself I’m not actually pg. Which is quite stressful. I think I’d rather be leaning over the toilet being sick than this because there are days when I feel pretty fine and then I stress that maybe something’s happened. We have our scan this week (I’ll be 10 weeks, but the hospital thinks I’m further along because they don’t listen to me) so hopefully will be able to shout it from the rooftops after that. Fingers crossed.

Zoe started school nursery this  last month (how the hell is it February already?!) and it’s not gone anywhere near as bad as I expected it to. She started by doing an hour each afternoon for 3 days. On each of those days she cried when I left, but the time she cried for reduced each day. The following week she started doing the full 2.5 hrs and has settled in so well – no more tears, just a kiss and a wave – and she comes home singing all these songs and knowing stories we’ve yet to tell her (3 little pigs is her current favourite). We’re so happy with how she’s settled. My only issue with the nursery is they have a uniform – I just think 3 is a bit early to be doing the whole uniform thing. Currently Zoe is one of only a couple who doesn’t wear it but this is partly due to sheer laziness on my behalf because I’ve not gone out and bought something. They have said she doesn’t need to wear the school logo sweatshirt (which is good because the smallest size is 3-4yrs and Zoe’s still in 2-3yrs stuff) so I just need a red sweatshirt or two, some white polo shirts and grey/black trousers or skirts. Whilst it’ll save her regular clothes from being splatted with paint, it means more planning on my part – such as remembering to take the uniform out if I know we’re going out for the morning and not coming home before nursery.

And that’s the other thing, I thought Zoe going to nursery would be fab – saves me having to come up with all these different ways to entertain her. But what I’ve discovered is just how tied I now am – before we could head out for the day, such as to Beamish museum, which Zoe loves, and not worry about when we got home, but now, really, I’m expected to be back for 1pm. I know I don’t have to do it every day and the occasional missing afternoon will make no difference, but she adores nursery and is usually asking from 10am when she can go. So, yeah, it’s kind of a pain to have to be back for 1pm and then I have a couple of hours at most to do something (which, atm, is nothing) before I have to be back. I really hoped to have an afternoon nap whilst she was at nursery, but I think I’m just too scared of sleeping through the alarm and not getting there in time to pick her up. 2.5 hours is no time at all. Zoe going to nursery was supposed to give me more time and yet I don’t feel like I have any more time. I drop her off, get back, eat, try and study or read or knit and then I’m off to pick her up again.

My studying is supposed to be picking up the pace – I really want most of it done before the new baby arrives – but I’m struggling with tiredness so much that I’m getting nowhere. I still have to do 2 courses – first is booked for April in Durham & second is in N Tyneside in July. So far, no bookings, but am hopeful of getting some people on them so they can run – I’ve already had to cancel my February one because of no bookings. Mind you, head office haven’t helped by increasing the price from £60 to £90 for a 6 week group. I wouldn’t pay £90 ffs! It’s gonna make our job of convincing mums to sign up pretty damn hard now. To be honest, more often than not, I’m thinking I’ll qualify, do a bit of work for the nct and explore private options as well. The whole admin system of the nct is pretty crap, tbh. I know they’re a charity and I know that I’ll technically be self employed rather than working for them, but very little of what I’ve seen so far has convinced me that they really care about the postnatal stuff as opposed to the antenatal stuff (which has of course been going years and makes the money for the charity really).

That’s me – I’m a pretty rubbish wife and mother right now – grumpy, hormonal, tired and unable to cook a lot of food because it makes me feel sick just thinking about it. It’s no wonder Duncan won’t entertain the idea of more than 2!

Until there is a next time…
xx