Human

Once more, I find myself with too much to do and not enough hours to do it in. I know what I should do, stop being ‘selfish’ and wanting to do things that I want to do rather than doing things I need to do.

For the last 2/3 weeks, I’ve been trying to sort out the dates for running my first postnatal course. I have to do 2 as a student in order to qualify. The attempted organisation has been fraught with not only my own practical arrangements but also my own insecurities. There’s already a postnatal student (aka PNL) (almost qualified) in our branch and she’s been running courses since last November. She’s also an antenatal teacher, so has loads of experience doing this sort of thing and is really liked within our branch. It all started with a (no doubt) throwaway/attempt to be funny comment at an nct meal out and my own insecurity has spiralled it out somewhat. PNL doesn’t get on with one branch member (one who seems to rub everyone up the wrong way at some point) and so has dropped back from coming to meetings/branch events. Whilst at a meal/committee meeting a couple of months ago, (which pnl wasn’t at) I was introduced by slightly-annoying branch member as Michelle, "PNL’s competition." Now, I just laughed this off at the time but of course went home and brooded on it for days. It’s what I do.

At first I was worried that PNL really did see me in this way (not then understanding the complicated friendship these two have, or don’t have, as the case may be). I don’t want to be her competition. Hell, there’s not another PNL in the county or neighbouring two counties, so there’ll be plenty of work for both of us. So, no, I don’t see myself as competition and couldn’t be anyway – she’s a really confident, friendly, bubbly woman who everyone loves. I don’t want to be competition, I want to be friend or colleague at least. So after giving myself a bit of a talking to, I decided to ignore slightly-annoying person and forget what she said.

But then I had to try and sort out my first course. PNL rents rooms at a community building in the area and had already said that I could use those rooms to run my courses from. Great. But trying to pin her down for a coffee and a chance to discuss my dates and where we go from here in terms of future work, has been on-going for the last 2 months. Granted, she had tonsillitis for 2 weeks and I can’t really do any other day other than Wednesday, but it made me feel like she was dodging me, so I ended up emailing her through facebook. And she didn’t answer (and I know she was on facebook cos I saw her status updates). So, the whole insecurity thing comes out again. Does she really see me as competition? Does she not like me? Does she think I’ll be a rubbish PNL myself? Does she not want her courses to be associated with my courses? Etc, etc.

On Tuesday our bookings lady for the north east emailed to ask if I knew when I might do my first course and I told her I had provisional dates but needed PNL to confirm I could use her room. Turns out PNL has a course booked for those exact dates! Why didn’t she tell me that before? Did she think I was trying to muscle in on her courses and take clients? If I’d known, I’d have switched dates. Aargh! So, bookings lady said, "Why not do them in another area?" (I need to do one course before January and wouldn’t feel comfortable starting anything before October because of the level of work I still need to do) So I agreed. But now I’m panicking that my branch, who have funded me from the start, are going to be stroppy because I’m working for another branch, who may or may not get the revenue from the course, I really don’t know the specifics. I honestly wish I wasn’t this insecure.

So, now I’m going to be doing my first course in Newcastle itself in November and I’m absolutely terrified, not least because, right now, I don’t have the first clue about what to do for my course and between now and then, I need to come up with lesson plans, an overall course plan, a resource file, a leaflet advertising postnatal courses generally and write at least 2, preferably 3 essays. In 6 months. With just one clear day a week to do them on. Shit.

And all this extra pressure on my already-stretched time, is made worse because I have a new obsession, or rather, a ressurgance of an old mild addiction. I was introduced to a knitting site this week, which has just shown me all the pretty wool there is in the world and all the things I could be making with it. So I’ve bought myself lots of new wool and some patterns and I’m ready to knit lots of new things for Zoe. I think I’m just gonna have to stop sleeping or something to fit this all in.

Until there is a next time…
xx