Walk unafraid

‘Just singing and clapping, man what the hell happened?’ Smash Mouth – Walking on the sun

Just emptying my head.

For a while I’ve thought about marriage. Not just since the ring, but long before that, before I even met Duncan. I’ve never had this notion in my head of the perfect day, never planned every detail down to the colour of the flower and the bridesmaid shoes. Far from it. When I think about marriage that’s exactly what I think about. Not the one ‘perfect’ day but the rest of our lives together. Duncan is the first relationship where I can think that and not start to hyperventilate at the thought of the rest of my life with one person. So, unlike what I’m led to believe are most girls, I didn’t plan in detail every moment of the day. But when I did think about it, I was pretty sure that I could see a beach, an ocean and the perfect guy for me, all under a flawless blue sky. Which is what we are starting to slowly plan now.

If I had all the money, or even half a million, I’d fly our family and friends to the Seychelles to watch the happy moment. But I don’t and I’m slightly resigned to that fact. There is nothing that would please me more to see my mum, step-dad, sisters, brother and close friends standing there with us. But none of us can afford that. I thought I was OK about that. I am, in a way. I want the wedding away from this country and yet…

Duncan’s mum called last night to arrange postage/courier service for his birth certificate and new credit card to be sent to us. She spoke to Duncan about the wedding and asked him if that was what we really wanted – not the marriage itself, but the wedding abroad. Was that what I wanted? To not have my family and our friends around us? She pushed (unexpectedly) a British wedding followed by time in SA and the Seychelles. (I half expected her to suggest a wedding in SA). Duncan reassured her that it was what we both wanted but she told him to tell me to think about it. This upset me. Not because she was questioning our choices, but because for the first time in all the planning I realised that, ideally, I wanted my mum there.

At the same time, I’m a realist. The wedding in a warm, sunny, beachy type place is what I’ve wanted for many years. I don’t want the expense and hassle of a wedding in the UK. I’m not prepared to spend £14,000 on one day. At least the six to seven grand we will spend will be on two weeks plus a party as well. To have a wedding in this country would mean we couldn’t, realistically, afford it until at least 2006. I don’t know if I’m prepared to wait that long. But I also don’t want the crap that goes with it. I want to enjoy the moment, not worry about how drunk my dad’s side of the family are getting and how long it will be before one of them starts laying into my mum for something that happened twenty bloody years ago.

So if I’m being selfish for choosing to go abroad, then tough. My mum understands, she has four more daughters, plus a son, to see married off at some point. She’s known for years that this is what I wanted. But at the end of the day there’s only two people that must be there – me and Duncan. And it’s only one day. And this is what we want.

I feel better for that.

Until there is a next time…

xx