Cherish

‘I want to lay like this forever, until the sky falls down on me’ Savage Garden – truly, madly, deeply

My dad called me last night. This is the second time in two weeks, but also the second time in six months. I struggle to talk to him at the best of times, but both times he has been wasted, and freely admitted this to me. It makes the conversation all the more harder. I can’t relate to my dad at all. I don’t feel any connection, any relationship, sometimes I don’t even know if I like him very much. And when I get off the phone from a conversation that went in circles and was a virtual repeat of the one from two weeks ago, he can have taken my mood from happy to sad in a few short minutes and not very many words. And I hate that he can do that, this man who claims to be my father but has never acted like one, can upset me like that *clicks fingers*. Is it just my father being jerk, is it just because my parents divorced and my dad left the country or what? There is simply no bond between us. I could go for weeks not thinking about him, yet think about my mum and stepdad every few days.

And it puts such a dampner on everything. Can you keep a secret? And I mean really keep it, so that anyone reading this who knows my family or real life friends will keep it shut, because we’ve told no-one yet but I am bursting to tell someone. This morning we went into Newcastle and spent a fair amount of money on a gorgeous gold band and diamond solitaire. And I’m really not supposed to tell anyone yet, as we are telling my mum in person when we go and stay in August, but the ring is an engagement ring and it looks beautiful on my hand. I have to wait four weeks for it to be ordered in the correct size, but it’s paid for and I can’t stop grinning like a crazy woman. We really are actually doing this, with a date set tentatively for the middle of May (2005) in the Seychelles and a party in Newcastle a couple of weeks later (to which there will be invites for some lucky people). And I can’t stop grinning.

I’ve found that one person, that one person that four years ago I wasn’t even sure existed. And I love him so much, and I am so unbelievably happy that I just had to tell someone. So shhhh… keep it secret!

Until there is a next time…

xx